Love Handles

So I have to admit to myself that I am having a sort of a crisis, and attempt to vent it out, document it all here. I am to confide others with this at some point, but right now it’s me time.

I knew this guy online. He was sweet, simple and Alexandrian. He said sweet things praising my beauty, and you know how dangerous it is when you feel that warm sensation coming along. You’re being desired, you’re being flirted with, you’re being assured that you’re a catch! I tried to meet the boy while I was in Alexandria in that last visit. His phone was off, and then he made excuses and apologized which I deemed reasonable enough. One doesn’t get a chance to talk to hotties everyday, especially when they treat you as one yourself.

Later on, he insisted to see my body. I was reluctant and made excuses about being tired and what not. Ironically enough, it was the very day that I felt fat than any other day. It certainly did not feel like a good time to strip in front of a web camera. He insisted and insinuated I’m being shy or afraid. I decided to play along thinking that he will come to realize how my body is really like sooner or later and sooner is better. To clarify, I’m not fat, I wouldn’t even be called chubby, I’m just not fit, not muscular, kinda flappy. I have a little beer belly and sort of love handles. The boy said he would tell me if he found me unattractive, and he did.

Not only did he say that I’m not his type (except for my face), but he went on to give me advice and tips on how to keep my body fit and attractive and told me off for being unattentive and unhealthy. I smiled it off, kept my best to show that I’m not offended or hurt.

This really made me feel broken and confused. Now I know I still get praised for my facial beauty. It is the body that hardly sits well with my audience. Why do we place such pressure on the body? Why do we expect it to be perfect? Why don’t we have mercy on it?

While I do genuinely want to run and find a great way to exercise and keep healthy, I find myself faced with many dilemmas. At one hand, my injured knee prevents me from doing any strenuous activities. In the same time, I’m motivated to exercise because of that very bad knee, and to lower the amount of pain I get because of it. I am also faced with the question of whether I’d be doing this to appeal to others or not. I cannot deny that this will be a goal while I’m exercising to get the attention and praise of my admirers. I wonder, however, if I’d be able to continue such exercise knowing that stopping it would be much worse than ever starting it.

Can this dumping conversation be a wakeup call? Can I actually put the time and energy into doing this? Is it worth it? Will this make people love me? Will I be happier because I’d finally be doing something I wanted to do but was reluctant to? It all will become clear soon, I hope.

Reconsidering Single!

I despised relationships. I don’t believe in them. I rationalized and extolled various theories behind my resentments. I believed we were wired and brainwashed by society that relationships are the norm. Otherwise, you’re miserable, unhappy and incomplete! I put forth various reasons why people want to be in a relationship. Among the reasons and motivations were: the desire for validation; social acceptance; peer pressure; physical and emotional dependence; the irrational fear of being alone. Meanwhile, I advocated one night stands. I praised singlehood. I broke down the ins and outs of a relationship and showed the various fallacies around it.

Here I am a few days later rethinking all those positions and stances. If I am to get on with my life always seeking and enacting one night stands, would I get anything more than that? Why do I assume that if I hang around always seeking instant gratification it would magically turn into a glorious love story? Doesn’t require some effort from my side too? Doesn’t fucking at first sight somehow destroy the prospects of human interaction later on? Wouldn’t I be somehow narrowing my potential when I limited my encounters to fuck-and-leave kind of thing?

But here I have to stop and think: why do I want to move away from the one night stand style? I do still believe that relationships are overrated and monogamy is even more overestimated. However, I still think that this state of interdependence can be gratifying. Yes, friends are good, friends are amazing. I love friends. Friends listen to you, pamper you, support you and cheer you up. Somehow we’re always too greedy to be satisfied with that. We seek to be gratified physically, emotionally, and mentally at the same time. I would love to have someone who listens to me, shares my life, and still fucks me at the end of the day. I still want to experience that, at least give myself a real shot at it. I know it won’t last and it’s not supposed to. But I want to do it at least for the sake of doing-anything-once.

I recently had a conversation that might have elicited some of those second thoughts. The person was saying that he had a lot of non-attached fun before. Then for the last five years he completely changed his strategy. He tries to seek something of meaning. It made sense, despite my reservations. If you always put yourself in a certain cycle, you will only end up with so much. I haven’t lost my faith in pure chance and randomness, because that’s what I believe the whole world relies upon. I think that somehow you should have a focus. I have always been pragmatic and you can’t get something without actually working towards it. That’s my philosophy. Whether this applies to this tricky of love and relationships, it remains unclear.

Dull, nonspecific pain

Dull nonspecific pain. I don’t know where it’s coming from. Why am I feeling like this? What am I exactly seeking or looking for? An intense encounter? I don’t think the problem is about getting laid anymore. I am getting as much sex as I’d like to, except for reason of the availability of physical space. But I get many guys hitting on me. The capacity of those encounters is so limited though. It’s merely physical with a little degree of comfort that enables further acquaintance. I always say I have the best friends that stimulate me intellectually and I can share my deepest secrets with. Do I miss the thrill of new encounters then? Of getting to know someone? The exploration orgasm? How fucking dependent is that? To have your happiness reliant on somebody else’s presence. Isn’t that mere reliance and masochism? But then again if it gives some sort of please, why not adopt a little bit of reliance and masochism?

Why do I feel this pain? Is it because I don’t feel popular? Is it because of my perpetual awkwardness around people I don’t know well? Do I have low self esteem issues? Body image issues? I am aware of my skills and beauty, but why am I never confident enough to pursue other men in full throttle exploration adventures? Do I intimidate people or am I always terrified from others? Or maybe the relationship between both of them is very close?

At a party last night, I couldn’t help myself but lament the fact that I was never approached by anyone, nor did I do it for that matter. I only spent the effort trying to hook other couples up, and I was wondering why I am doing this? To still prove to myself that I can be an ethical person? To prove that I can sublime over my anxieties and concerns? Still it didn’t make me feel happy. I am seriously considering never doing it again. What’s the use anyway? I don’t believe in karma. Life is too random to have karma as a part of it.

Another anxiety and concerns of the never-ending list is the fact that I’m realizing that my current friendships may be transient as well. So I’d better be equipped for an alternative especially that I am already losing partnership if I don’t have someone wall

Risky

I’m a doomed fucking whore! I kept repeating as I walked out of the bathhouse. What am I doing to myself? Am I trying to catch HIV? Am I a bug chaser? Do I really want to live with HIV? Can I handle being the HIV+ activist? Or will I keep it a secret and keep repeating the same mistake again?

I had encounters where I failed to use a condom or to tell my partner to do so. Now, it’s different. I let them do it. I fuck them without it. Those moments are very exciting, very dangerous. You see it coming, you know you’re going to bareback, but you just let it happen.

I recently discovered how turned on this sense of danger makes me feel. Maybe it started as a part of my experimentation phase. I wanted to try everything, from SM to sex work. Bareback is a big taboo to me. Is this why I enjoy breaking it so much?

I am aware of the consequences. Too aware maybe. But how conscious is conscious? Why do I seek those risky behaviors? Do I really seek or I just let it happen? Does it make a difference?

I have always heard that engaging in self harm means a sense of lack of self worth. Do I feel that I deserve to be punished? To be unhappy? Did I get this nihilistic?

I know I feel many times that life is purposeless. However, I have always felt that we have to go through it to the end, courageously, trying to make the best out of it. What do my struggles mean then? Why do I carry all those causes on my back? Should I turn to complete apathy then?

Am I actually miserable? Am I a wreck? Is my conviction that love is unreal and unattainable makes indulge in those behaviors? Did I completely lose hope in a better life? But I know better.

Human interaction is one of my most important values, but I’m acutely disillusioned about it. I know it never lasts. I know I am not the kind that takes these things for granted. Love is for simple minded fools, not for the doomed like me.

Despite everything, I still love life. I want to see more. I still want to be great. I want to meet more people. I am not appeased yet. Why do I ruin my life then? Why do I damage my health so much? I know it’s the thing you can count on the most as you grow older.

The most dangerous thing about risky behavior (in case you don’t embrace, which I don’t) is that effect it has on your self image. It’s a vicious cycle. I hate myself so I risk my body, and I ended hating myself more. Do I need help? Do I believe in it? And if I do, will I be able to find proper services?

I still love myself, I know. I wouldn’t have been this concerned if I wasn’t. This is my only hope.

On the Train

I’m on the train, on my way back to timeless city of Cairo from my quiet lazy hometown. I think about my demeanor and attitude. I know quite well about my jadedness, cynicism and pessimism. I hardly open up to strangers, I hardly take things lightly, I think too much.

I had two significant conversations recently. One of them was with this guy I met after a lot of persuasion from his side. I did it out of being nice more than anything else. I was talking about compartmentalizing my life and my friendships. He was generous enough to be curious and asked me why. I said I am a control freak and I like to be in control of the relationships and people I know. I like to manage things and not let them manage me. I also like to diversify my life so I can switch from this outing to that according to my mood. Moreover, I’ve been in the middle of a lot of conflicts and feuds and I honestly don’t want to deal with that anymore. It’s really hard when you’re acting like a broker all the time.

These are all selfish reasons. I had a selfless one though, and it’s not any less important than the rest. I really care about my friends’ happiness and pleasure. I never want to put them in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. That’s why I didn’t want to mix them together so they can always feel they have the best attention I can give.

This made me realize I don’t really compartmentalize the way I used to do before. Am I becoming more relaxed? Or just too tired to be in control?

The 2^nd conversation was on the phone with a friend whose relationship to me has been tumultuous lately. She said she realized that I’m so fucked up and maybe even more fucked up than she is. She thinks I freak out of human relationships to the point I have to keep pushing people away and destroying every chance for me to have a good relationship.

She definitely has a point. I know I push people away and that intimacy freaks me out. Me and V had many conversations about that too. Now that I am writing about it, I don’t know what can happen next. I definitely know I have issues deeper and deeper and I miss having a new relationship that allows you to rediscover yourself by seeing yourself through new eyes.

I need a process of exploration of both self and others.

To the bathhouse!

I just got back from the Hammam, a local bathhouse, a remnant of an era when bodies were not so much oppressed as today. Today’s bodies are oppressed by gym fascism and social norms. Hammams were an essential part of the culture in the Middle East/Arab region. Please save your Orientalism for later!

Now it’s neglected, but it still attracts people from all strata of society. No need to mention that it had become a great venue of gay people so they can catch some moments of desire; a place where they can express their repressed desire and avoid the claustrophobia of having no decent spaces to get together.

The hammam brings out a side of me I never knew existed before. A wild uninhibited side. I was intimidated at first. The clientele is mostly working class men in different age with a few middle class guys and rarely an appearance from the upper class. I found the working class more liberating to be with. Though I can never click with them on any other level, I found it kind of easier to deal with, and to share momentary pleasure. A big part of the thrill is the real-life browsing. It saves you from all the pain and disappointments of online browsing. I also love the cues and signs we exchange to express interest. It’s daring and sexy.

I also unleashed my liking for exhibitionism. I found it so exciting knowing that people watch me and want to touch me. It’s so liberating to be able to walk around naked. I suffered with my body image for years. It’s crazy that I find the medicine for it there. Going there makes me feel beautiful and sexy.

It also makes me realize how powerful sexuality is. It connects people despite their differences and they rediscover themselves and how they view themselves.

It really empowers you.

One Bloody January!

The New Year continues to disappoint. This month has carries bad news for my sister and uncle’s health. It is really annoying and worrisome, not to mention my hospitalization which was an awful experience.

Friends threw me a surprise birthday party; actually it wasn’t only for me. It was for my close Capricorn friend as well. I didn’t enjoy it; not one single minute of it.

Last year, I tried to have a little friendly gathering in remembrance of turning 25. It was a terrible idea. Close friends didn’t show up and I was thoroughly frustrated. I decided I would never organize my own birthday party. Ever!

This year was different. I was thinking too much of becoming older. It’s like things are never the same again after you lived for 25 years on this earth. I spent not so little time pondering my quarter age crisis. But this is not the only reason it was bad. The venue was horrible and the lack of a safe, friendly space was indeed an issue. All the close friends were there. However, I was very anxious. I didn’t like the attention brought about by this occasion. I didn’t like the fact that it wasn’t my party, since it was also dedicated to my friend. I wanted to be truly celebrated I guess. I wanted it to be perfect; which it can never be!

On a different note, I listen sometimes to that twat called Safi on Nile FM. He was asking people to send in the questions they have on mind and have no answer to. In a total act of desperation and dramatique, I sent in the question “how do I make people love me?” a question that takes a good deal of my energy. I expected him to ignore it or at least make fun of it. He delivered a serious response though. And to my great surprise it did mean something. He said that I have to love myself first. I then started to question. I know that my relationship with myself has been tumultuous, but it can never be boiled down to love. I am too hard on myself most of the time. I always think of my flaws. I always seek impeccability and perfection. Then I thought this must be on the wish list. The list of the things I want to work on in 2011. (and again I sound as trite as those self-help books and horoscope shows on new year’s eve)

I still can’t get myself to write about the thing I want to do in 2011. Maybe I will get back to this later!

Dreams, Friends and Interests!

This is my first post in the New Year. The year began tragically with Alexandria’s events and for the first time I feel like Egypt is not a place I want to live in. I kicked the year with the trip to Aswan, though it felt ill-timed after the Alexandria tragedy. I woke up today after a dream of F. It was strange to have him again in dreams, but I cannot deny that he was much on mind lately. It’s been more than two years since we first met in November of 2008, and almost a year since we met in February of 2010. I can’t remember most of the dream now. I still remember how it felt. It was like us reuniting at the current moment. I felt I was more aware of his flaws and that I have the current understanding of the limitations of our acquaintance, but against all odds the passion was there and at one point I thought to myself he could be my sexual sanctuary! (being the user Capricorn that I am, I guess)

But I think I am here to write about friendship. The dictionaries define friends as people you have affection and love for. That is true maybe, but it’s a very limited view. Friendship is an important social tool. A survival tool. Friends are the ones you can trust, count on, and share your stories and drama with. Friendship is about accepting your friends and supporting them. I like friendships.

My perception of a perfect relationship was always platonic in my early teenage years. I hated sex and sexuality for a long time. This continues to have an impact on me. I am more comfortable being safe in a friendship than a romantic love relationship (as if I had any real ones). However, I don’t really recall selecting my friends. They always seemed to choose me. Maybe I do give an impression of reliability after all. I somehow selected them through filtering. I allow those who seem to be leading towards an effective friendship. One that is characterized by understanding and mutual interest. Yes, I said interests. I believe humans are motivated by their interests. One has to search for people who support him. Their existence is necessary to face the hardships of life. One has to have someone to listen to their rants. It’s in one’s interest to have someone in your life that plays that role. It might sound selfish I know, but I don’t think so, plus I don’t think it’s wrong for someone to pursue their interests.

At this point, it becomes clear that there has to be a certain exchange. You can’t just take from friendships without giving. You have to give attention. You have to give care and support. I like my friendships to be genuine. I was always bad at half friendships (i. e. managing acquaintances).

Sometimes friendships are not about exchange though. You give and support someone knowing there would really be no catch at the end; maybe because of guilt, obligation, memories shared or true affection. It can’t always about the exchange or about the personal gains.

“When would consequences be inconsequential to me?” sounds irrelevant and probably is, but couldn’t help but end with it!