One Bloody January!

The New Year continues to disappoint. This month has carries bad news for my sister and uncle’s health. It is really annoying and worrisome, not to mention my hospitalization which was an awful experience.

Friends threw me a surprise birthday party; actually it wasn’t only for me. It was for my close Capricorn friend as well. I didn’t enjoy it; not one single minute of it.

Last year, I tried to have a little friendly gathering in remembrance of turning 25. It was a terrible idea. Close friends didn’t show up and I was thoroughly frustrated. I decided I would never organize my own birthday party. Ever!

This year was different. I was thinking too much of becoming older. It’s like things are never the same again after you lived for 25 years on this earth. I spent not so little time pondering my quarter age crisis. But this is not the only reason it was bad. The venue was horrible and the lack of a safe, friendly space was indeed an issue. All the close friends were there. However, I was very anxious. I didn’t like the attention brought about by this occasion. I didn’t like the fact that it wasn’t my party, since it was also dedicated to my friend. I wanted to be truly celebrated I guess. I wanted it to be perfect; which it can never be!

On a different note, I listen sometimes to that twat called Safi on Nile FM. He was asking people to send in the questions they have on mind and have no answer to. In a total act of desperation and dramatique, I sent in the question “how do I make people love me?” a question that takes a good deal of my energy. I expected him to ignore it or at least make fun of it. He delivered a serious response though. And to my great surprise it did mean something. He said that I have to love myself first. I then started to question. I know that my relationship with myself has been tumultuous, but it can never be boiled down to love. I am too hard on myself most of the time. I always think of my flaws. I always seek impeccability and perfection. Then I thought this must be on the wish list. The list of the things I want to work on in 2011. (and again I sound as trite as those self-help books and horoscope shows on new year’s eve)

I still can’t get myself to write about the thing I want to do in 2011. Maybe I will get back to this later!