Love Handles

So I have to admit to myself that I am having a sort of a crisis, and attempt to vent it out, document it all here. I am to confide others with this at some point, but right now it’s me time.

I knew this guy online. He was sweet, simple and Alexandrian. He said sweet things praising my beauty, and you know how dangerous it is when you feel that warm sensation coming along. You’re being desired, you’re being flirted with, you’re being assured that you’re a catch! I tried to meet the boy while I was in Alexandria in that last visit. His phone was off, and then he made excuses and apologized which I deemed reasonable enough. One doesn’t get a chance to talk to hotties everyday, especially when they treat you as one yourself.

Later on, he insisted to see my body. I was reluctant and made excuses about being tired and what not. Ironically enough, it was the very day that I felt fat than any other day. It certainly did not feel like a good time to strip in front of a web camera. He insisted and insinuated I’m being shy or afraid. I decided to play along thinking that he will come to realize how my body is really like sooner or later and sooner is better. To clarify, I’m not fat, I wouldn’t even be called chubby, I’m just not fit, not muscular, kinda flappy. I have a little beer belly and sort of love handles. The boy said he would tell me if he found me unattractive, and he did.

Not only did he say that I’m not his type (except for my face), but he went on to give me advice and tips on how to keep my body fit and attractive and told me off for being unattentive and unhealthy. I smiled it off, kept my best to show that I’m not offended or hurt.

This really made me feel broken and confused. Now I know I still get praised for my facial beauty. It is the body that hardly sits well with my audience. Why do we place such pressure on the body? Why do we expect it to be perfect? Why don’t we have mercy on it?

While I do genuinely want to run and find a great way to exercise and keep healthy, I find myself faced with many dilemmas. At one hand, my injured knee prevents me from doing any strenuous activities. In the same time, I’m motivated to exercise because of that very bad knee, and to lower the amount of pain I get because of it. I am also faced with the question of whether I’d be doing this to appeal to others or not. I cannot deny that this will be a goal while I’m exercising to get the attention and praise of my admirers. I wonder, however, if I’d be able to continue such exercise knowing that stopping it would be much worse than ever starting it.

Can this dumping conversation be a wakeup call? Can I actually put the time and energy into doing this? Is it worth it? Will this make people love me? Will I be happier because I’d finally be doing something I wanted to do but was reluctant to? It all will become clear soon, I hope.