Dull, nonspecific pain

Dull nonspecific pain. I don’t know where it’s coming from. Why am I feeling like this? What am I exactly seeking or looking for? An intense encounter? I don’t think the problem is about getting laid anymore. I am getting as much sex as I’d like to, except for reason of the availability of physical space. But I get many guys hitting on me. The capacity of those encounters is so limited though. It’s merely physical with a little degree of comfort that enables further acquaintance. I always say I have the best friends that stimulate me intellectually and I can share my deepest secrets with. Do I miss the thrill of new encounters then? Of getting to know someone? The exploration orgasm? How fucking dependent is that? To have your happiness reliant on somebody else’s presence. Isn’t that mere reliance and masochism? But then again if it gives some sort of please, why not adopt a little bit of reliance and masochism?

Why do I feel this pain? Is it because I don’t feel popular? Is it because of my perpetual awkwardness around people I don’t know well? Do I have low self esteem issues? Body image issues? I am aware of my skills and beauty, but why am I never confident enough to pursue other men in full throttle exploration adventures? Do I intimidate people or am I always terrified from others? Or maybe the relationship between both of them is very close?

At a party last night, I couldn’t help myself but lament the fact that I was never approached by anyone, nor did I do it for that matter. I only spent the effort trying to hook other couples up, and I was wondering why I am doing this? To still prove to myself that I can be an ethical person? To prove that I can sublime over my anxieties and concerns? Still it didn’t make me feel happy. I am seriously considering never doing it again. What’s the use anyway? I don’t believe in karma. Life is too random to have karma as a part of it.

Another anxiety and concerns of the never-ending list is the fact that I’m realizing that my current friendships may be transient as well. So I’d better be equipped for an alternative especially that I am already losing partnership if I don’t have someone wall