On the Train

I’m on the train, on my way back to timeless city of Cairo from my quiet lazy hometown. I think about my demeanor and attitude. I know quite well about my jadedness, cynicism and pessimism. I hardly open up to strangers, I hardly take things lightly, I think too much.

I had two significant conversations recently. One of them was with this guy I met after a lot of persuasion from his side. I did it out of being nice more than anything else. I was talking about compartmentalizing my life and my friendships. He was generous enough to be curious and asked me why. I said I am a control freak and I like to be in control of the relationships and people I know. I like to manage things and not let them manage me. I also like to diversify my life so I can switch from this outing to that according to my mood. Moreover, I’ve been in the middle of a lot of conflicts and feuds and I honestly don’t want to deal with that anymore. It’s really hard when you’re acting like a broker all the time.

These are all selfish reasons. I had a selfless one though, and it’s not any less important than the rest. I really care about my friends’ happiness and pleasure. I never want to put them in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. That’s why I didn’t want to mix them together so they can always feel they have the best attention I can give.

This made me realize I don’t really compartmentalize the way I used to do before. Am I becoming more relaxed? Or just too tired to be in control?

The 2^nd conversation was on the phone with a friend whose relationship to me has been tumultuous lately. She said she realized that I’m so fucked up and maybe even more fucked up than she is. She thinks I freak out of human relationships to the point I have to keep pushing people away and destroying every chance for me to have a good relationship.

She definitely has a point. I know I push people away and that intimacy freaks me out. Me and V had many conversations about that too. Now that I am writing about it, I don’t know what can happen next. I definitely know I have issues deeper and deeper and I miss having a new relationship that allows you to rediscover yourself by seeing yourself through new eyes.

I need a process of exploration of both self and others.