Nocturnal awakening!

I had to write. It’s almost 5 am and I should be sleeping. I am having one of those nocturnal awakenings, so filled with thoughts and emotions. Gotta take them out somewhere.

I just finished reading some posts from Manal and Alaa blog. Truly inspiring. Lovers struggling for their country? What more could inspire someone like me? I was truly surprised by the self effacement they did on their blog, it could be thought of as pretentious, but I can’t help find it endearing. My dear friend Sheraz told me about this blog before and that she found it amazing on one of our discussions about activism, love and Capricorns.

Cannot get mind off thinking about historical context and time boundaries. What does it mean to have such a blog in 2005? How does it feel to memorize oneself 10 years ago? I am writing here in an attempt to document my life and self. Is it for me or for others? Is it my way to leave a mark? To be remembered? What do humans have this need for recognition?

I am changing. My warm Christian friend Joe notices it. We met a couple of days ago and he noticed my changing attitude towards civil society work. He could sense I am more satisfied there and that I am not juggling between it and my presumed career. Who was I 10 years ago though? A God-fearing teenager struggling with the discovery of his attraction to men? Freefall to shame as someone dubbed it. I loved to read and watch American shows on our local TV.

15 is the age I proclaim for my puberty. 2^nd secondary school student. We hardly ever used the internet then. I think I had chances to watch some satellite (when it was analog) with my friend Mena. We explored western music then. All the pop stuff!

Internet? I am sure it wasn’t before 2001 when I had my own pc. Internet was very slow then. Our first attempts were at that link.net office. I had an intense crush on a guy called Mahmoud. He was beautiful. I saw him on a recent visit to my hometown. Does he remember my stares?!

Private lessons, lots of them! Staring at guys and feeling desperate to connect with other guys, guys who looked cool and “in”.

I really want to meet my 15 year old me. I want to hug him and make him feel safe and accepted

Ahmed is back. How could I see it coming? He made his mind up to leave to pursue studies in the UK a few months ago. He left a month and a half ago. His departure must have affected me deeply, I think. We argued and got on each other’s nerves a lot, but we knew each other so well. It’s so strange how relationships/friendships dynamics work. It’s hard when your closest people leave and you feel disoriented and confused. It made me more fearful of intimacy and more aggressive to other friends, or skeptical of the whole affair.

I have two jobs. Downtown and Heliopolis, my favorite spots in Cairo. It’s my first to be alone at an office. I invited Mark over today.

Homophobic crimes and gay activism? Maybe I’m braver than before. What happened to Y was scary and sad. Is it a good cause for me? Would I do it for a bunch of self-hating queens?!

I passed by Beanos today. It’s been 2 years since I first met F and we sat there. He became the reference point for the possibilities for passion. Beanos was closed. I couldn’t see the couch where was sat. When will I run into him ba2a?!

Again, it’s so interesting to track what one was concerned of and interested in over the years. What is my thing now? More existential and nihilistic tendencies? More career confidence than ever and lack of faith in everything?

More writing/exorcism sessions needed.