How Did I Get Here?

It is quite interesting how a small, seemingly irrelevant event could trigger an intense, prolonged train of thoughts!

The triggering event(s) here is trying to get a man to sleep with me on a late November night. This included the use of manipulative actions to get my flatmate relative to leave the place for me for the night, and making several calls to finally get the man in question to meet me! It was unsuccessful, twice to be accurate, as my failure with the first man made me try to attempt to make up for it with another.

Then my ever lasting question made its presence quite clear, “so what happens next?”

The answers were not very favorable. They all led to gloomy and unwholesome thoughts. How would I make it alone? Can I really do without intimacy as I claim? Do I deserve this? Is there something I can or I can change about myself? The list goes on.

My awareness of how limiting and nerve-racking it was to be living with this relative of mine is higher than ever before. My growing feeling/realization that I am a person whom people hardly find charming on first encounters was immense. My want of sex was not insignificant. The episodes of rejection-upon-meeting scenarios were on the rise. My observation of my changing figure and receding hairline was painful. Such was the context of my triggering event. The result, therefore, was intolerable.

I honestly cannot see it getting better anytime soon. I am losing faith. I kept thinking “have little expectations, or better have none at all!” This doesn’t seem to take me anywhere. I feel/felt immersed in self-pity.

Another question is also of great interest and consequence. “How did I get here?”

Thinking of my development, when I was a naïve, shy boy. A very sensitive one who hardly raises his voice, to a boy in crisis because of the guilt and shame instilled by his sexuality, then curiously and expectantly venturing into the world of queers, then faced by initial pains and shocks, all the skepticism and distrust were confirmed in my personality. Then becoming savvier, but all the while seeing all the absurdities of the world growing more visible and clear. Having close friends who suffer from clinical depression is not of great help also.

I come to believe the world a cruel, absurd place. Am I on the verge of depression? Do my prolonged hours of sleep indicate anything?!

A friend’s remark was that I think too much, expect too much; that I should live my life without thinking of consequences. Whether I can achieve this, is a completely different question.