I just finished reading Youssef ElSebai’s novel El Sakka Mat (The water man is dead). It’s another train journey to my hometown that I do to diminish my sense of guilt towards my family, and because I terribly miss my little sisters and feel that I should spend more time with them.
The novel’s central theme is death, friendship and coming of age. Although it is quite a classic I never had the chance to read it before. Probably because I know of books more than I know books firsthand. And although I read it over a long time span of 2 or 3 weeks, it was a real emotional journey. The characters are so simple and real. The little boy’s jokes and thoughts crack me up laughing. The father sadness and resilience shakes me and the events of the novel bring me to tears.
I can’t help but wonder, can one really overcome the trauma of death? We basically live in a state of denial about it. Truly believing in death, but hardly ever contemplating our own mortality. It is such a frightening thought. Even more confusing, is if you are very aware of your own mortality, what do you do about it? Indulge in physical pleasures? Treat everyone nicely and give them your best? Or fuck them without remorse as we all end up dead?
Do you pursue your dreams as hard as you can or you simple teach yourself to let them go? After all, nothing remains of you but a decaying corpse.
A strange feeling/thought has been overtaking me lately. Questioning the efforts I make, questioning my priorities. What should one dedicate his life to? Being a person of high ideals, I chose to work in area of work that serves that cause. It’s great to help others, try to motivate them, try to empower them. But my sense of limitation and being finite overwhelms me at time. It’s not crippling, but it makes me unable to know what’s right or wrong; what should be and what shouldn’t, what to advise people; what to seek and wish for.
It would be easier if I just believed in a guarding God, looking out for us, rewarding the good and the modest. I just believe him not to exist. I don’t think there’s a plan or a scheme of any sort. It’s all random and chaotic.
We just have to take our chances and do our best!
“What is that ‘best’?” remains the question.
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