Intimacy?

I am in a complicated relationship with intimacy! As a young boy growing up to discover the cruel reality of being gay in a community that crushes whoever thinks/feels/etc. differently, I remember that I always put feelings first. Feeling of love, understanding and appreciation came first. My first crush was very platonic and sentimental. The discovery of sex came much later, but that’s another story.

I always had this idealistic, utopian outlook on love and relationships. I always believed that human communication comes as a firm priority for happiness and wellbeing. What made become so skeptic about it now? I still value it highly, but I just don’t believe it in a way. Like a standard that you never achieve, like a god that never hears, like a promise never fulfilled.

Was it past experiences? I always question that impact they had on me. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the illusion of love and the first experiences of pain and heartbreak leave their scars forever. I am over those guys who hurt me, the friends who no longer care, but I guess deep inside they left a stigmata of insecurities.

I look at myself, what I do, and how I am dealing with others, and I become sure that intimacy and closeness freak me out; particularly when it comes to romantic attachment (as opposed to friendship). I am reluctant to make a real move towards Monti. I ignore Mahmoud and never call him back. I refuse to see Maro who just says he misses me and wants to see me.

I am literally giving myself no chance of good things to happen to me. And I’m scared. I am frightened. By intimacy? By the possibility of loss? By heartbreak?

I have to break the cycle. I have to rid myself of the fear. It is keeping me from fulfilling my true capacity and potential.