I am okay

I am okay. Surprisingly “okay”. Which means I could have been doing much worse. But for now I am okay. And I have to be grateful.

What is going on to me was a pressing question a few days ago. I went over to my friend’s, discussed our hopes and fears as usual. She made dinner, I offered a little help. An hour later I was falling asleep, I had only had two puffs of that beautiful joint. Why am I falling asleep now? I spelled it out in that sleepy phase. I said I want to get married. As in the traditional sexist sense of it. Going back from work for a cooked dinner by your partner. Staying in and not wanting to socialize or mix with others. I never thought I’d verbalize that ever. This warrants an investigation.   

I am overworked, too stressed, underrelaxed. I am traumatized and frustrated. I have to admit it all to understand what’s going on with me. 

My job is taking its toll on me, it’s emotionally draining. It’s changing me. I go through intense human experiences. My friends tell me it makes me categorize life more easily, which augments my lower tolerance for bullshit. I am doing well at work. It’s all the other questions of what’s next and what’s the current toll! It’s anxieties of being underpaid and underappreciated. It’s the concern about always working on shaky grounds.

My social network is on shaky grounds too. My relations with closest people are drastically changing. One in a committed relationship and those usually suck your friends away.  Another is increasingly sentimental and extravagant and it hurts me that I cannot tolerate it. And the last friend I spent too much times physically together but our hearts and minds in completely different places. How scary is it when you feel that the most important social investment you made is those very alliances that seem to be falling apart? Yes, I am ready to open and explore and I can but what the hell? It is scary.

Yes, the revolution was scarring. From the emotional rollercoasters to the grinding moral questions. From the fearless stands on the frontlines to the fear and trembling at the sound of any bang. From dealing with refugees everyday to the looming and hateful specter of becoming one some day. 

And what of intimacy? I do have more appreciation for it, partly for the pragmatic aspect of it, for better time management. People can be such a waste of time. And what does frustration create? Unsafe behavior. 

A desire to annihilate oneself sometimes overtake me. A wish to expand and explore sexuality creates situations where one is compromised. When the public seems noisy and fruitless, you want to go inwards. You want to revolt against yourself. What better grounds of revolution than the body and its limits of pleasure? Writing on pleasure and danger of sexual encounters is one of the deferred wishes.

After all, I am okay.