Saudade

So I just discovered the Saudade concept! It just hits you, doesn’t it? How could a concept be so complex yet so relevant? I start thinking about my saudades. And again I feel very old. I wanted to write a cheerful post for a change. This won’t be it for sure. This one is about Saudade.

I feel the loss and the pain. I feel like I missed so many chances. Being surrounded by those younger talented boys makes me feel jealous. They’re so youthful and beautiful. I strive to live independently, to make myself more resourceful and knowledgeable. I didn’t exactly fail, but I am not there too. I feel like the early twenties is the age when you should fall head over heels, be swept away by love. Even if love was not real. I want to be fooled by it. Maybe it is not that great to have a life that is shaped by your lovers. But who said I want ordinary lovers? I want my kind of lovers! The one that seemed possible with F, or the one I never met. The one I feel the Saudade for.

Did I start too late? Even in career life. I feel like I could have been where I am now a few years before. Now I missed those years and I am about to turn 26. I lost the good part of my twenties.

I have a saudade for my family. I can’t be there for them. I can reach out to them. But I won’t be a real part of my sisters’ formation. I would always miss so many memories and moments.

My hesitancy in communicating with others made me lost many chances. It is easy to dismiss everything, maybe nothing would have changed at all, but maybe everything might have changed as well. I will never know.