Body

How much more can this body take?

Maybe it’s time to face my demons. Have I really been ignoring them so long? I thought I was tackling them all along, wasn’t I? Was I overwhelmed? Was I in denial? Or I was just taking them down little by little?

How could I let my knee problem get so bad? I had the injury in January of 2008. It’s only got worse now. It’s even harder when I hang out with those little perfect boys. I look at them and see the energy and the carelessness. The boyish arrogance. I never had any of this. I was dealing with other demons back then. The shyness and awkwardness; my sexual inhibitions and social inaptitude. I still carry on the heritage of those days till now.
And I wonder if I could take it back? Would I do it again? Who would I have been?

The body grows more and more imperfect. It should never be perfect, I know. I know it better than anyone else. The blemished skin of a teenager and the balding of a 30-something man; I have them combined. And I missed those years of playful childishness. No more to return.

How can I feel so old?

These demons seem light compared to other serious shit. What is my purpose of being in the goddamn community of gays? If I claim to be jaded and apathetic about finding an intimate partner, then is there any hope for me? Is it always going to be random fucks? It seems to me that this would be nothing short of time-wasting.

I chose to work in an area that manages to get the interest of discerning people. What they don’t know though, is how poorly paid I am. I even failed my expectations, not to mention my family’s. What if my poor mother knows I have left them behind to get these few pounds? Would she understand that I’m hanging on there to get to a better place? Would I actually get to the position I fancy? When? Isn’t about time to have more tolerable living conditions?

Do I need a change of body or a change of heart?!