It wasn't July.

Life is a series of disappointments. The greatest disappointment is getting used to these.

What happens when people, who only have their sexual orientation in common, get together?

To start off, they may only have that in common, but they’re different when it comes to everything else other than that. They could come from different backgrounds, classes, areas, religions, preferences, beliefs, attitudes, sensibilities, and whatever more. You name it.

Sexual orientation aside, other factors come into play. Power balances/imbalances ensue. There are the ones who accept their sexuality. There are the ones who deal with others considerately. There are the ones who carry a baggage of insecurity. There are the ones who don’t conform to society expectations. Every one of them comes with a baggage.
The power relations take forms. You could have power because you’re a top, wealthy, bitchy, socially apt, handsome, masculine, etc. but that’s not all. There are the ones who do not have those entitlements. However, they are savvy enough to put the situation to their best interest. And who know how to get to their aims.

It’s a jungle. It’s life. Survival of the fittest.

Then we arrive at casual encounters. Two people who are going to perform the intimate act, which happen to know nothing about each other. They might end up not liking the actual version of each other, physically that it. They end up getting frustrated as the hope for an offload diminishes. They might have pity sex. They might actually have great sex. But what comes next? They have missed the process of getting to know each other; of building up the tension to the point they want to share this level of intimacy. Can it work? Apparently it has worked for some. I don’t think it works for me. I don’t know what works for me for that matter. But having it all at the first encounter? Seems like putting too much of myself out there. I wouldn’t like to take it further. How do you sit to a table with someone to have a conversation after you already fucked?

I have no idea why I’m writing these thoughts. Or maybe I do. I know for a fact that I dedicate a lot of my thinking analyzing my interaction with others. For the most part, I am not satisfied. My idealistic view on relationship still clouds my judgment. However, I do believe that I settle for what I have. I have always had friends that I didn’t completely love. I had them because I had to have friends. I learn in a very slow painstaking process. I never had someone to educate me. I have to do that myself. Life is doing it for me.

I grow uncertain. Uncertain of what I would be; of what I would have; of where I would end up.

All I can do is try.

The more I grow the less I know.