Domination

And again I sit to write some of my random thoughts. I stood at my window, secretly smoking a cigarette listening to the sound of barking dog, the pre-dawn chants, and a mysterious musical beat coming from a place I cannot recognize! Today has been quite a busy day. I had a lot of those lately. I wanted to write more about what goes on but failed to rise to my writing expectations…

I went out with my young Sagittarius friend and his new friend, a Virgo who is even younger than him. I think I’m better at gauging my ageism around him now. The interesting part was when I saw him being condescending and ageist towards the younger boy. It was both sweet and hilarious! Those young kids! They make me think of a lot of stuff. I partly felt sorry for myself. I marveled at their sexual liberation. When I was their age, I was just this sad, confused and repressed teenage, who was very much struggling with sexuality. One of them is already an atheist now! Both of them share this innate sexual hunger and they express it fully without complexities or confusions about it. Is this the way teenagers should be like?

Maybe I was just the ever too complex guy, combined with my shyness and overwhelmed by sex and sexual liberties. I know for a fact that my sexual emancipation and becoming guilt-free around sex came much later than theirs. I owe much of it to that erotic text that Raouf Mos’ad wrote. Ithaki. Thanks Mr. Mos’ad.

Today, I also experienced the sweet joy of sexual education. An activity very dear to my heart! I like to think that I make a difference in any person’s life and make their sex life better!

I also had my first chance on true kinky sex! Most of my experiences were quite vanilla. Being the desperate, frustrated mood I am in, I went for the first available guy I had. He explicitly voiced his interest in domination! I was wary and anxious, but hello I’m always anxious about sex even until now! S&M practices aside, the whole conduct of casual sex never fail to confuse me. Meeting someone and a few minutes later, you’re exchanging fluids and exposing your intimate Self! I fail to truly connect even when others can and want to do it. I can’t say I hated it. But I know I didn’t like the whole feel of the experience. It wasn’t the out of myself experience I was hoping for. I miss that kind of sex that makes me feel beautiful and serene. I only had that very rarely.

I was also struck by the gap between the two characters the guy exhibited. One was domineering and distant, the other was kind of sweet and kind! How could you have both in one person? How does he switch from one to another so easily? How did he grow to like domination anyway?

At the end, you smile, you nod and you affirm that you enjoyed his sex. A few words about meeting again that will never be fulfilled. Oh the dysfunction of casual encounters!

There will be other encounters of the sort as long as there are no alternatives.