Re-discovering morality?

“You’re in the mirage” said Khaled in a sarcastic, mean tone. It was another workshop, another hotel, another lousy lunch break. This break has taken a different turn obviously. I couldn’t help but trying to overhear what our fellows were discussing on the next table. I was quite sure it was religion, god, or something of the sort. The word “scepticism” could be heard more than once. A few minutes later, I was sitting at their table trying to make out what exactly they were talking about. The conversation went from questioning faith to a confession session. This only happened when MA joined us. After being harassed by Khaled and teased by the aforementioned phrase, MA started speaking of his psycho-religious development!

I had a strange feeling while MA was telling his story. It was nostalgia, mixed with sadness and yearning. As he was retelling how he lost his faith, I was recalling my very own story. I also felt sorry for the turmoil he had to suffer to get there. After all, I felt that my journey was much easier. And then I wondered, what role did my sexuality play in losing my religion? (I have to mention that although the word ‘lose’ is quite poetic; I like to think that I have no regrets over that loss). Did my being gay make it that much easier to renounce god?

What I am wondering about right now is a completely different thing. It’s the mirage concept. Although I loathed Khaled’s superficial judgement, now I feel that this truly needs examining. Being an atheist, I always maintained that one should not totally dispose of morality, and that it is necessary, or at least it is ingrained in our genetic makeup. I feel that I have reconciled with, normalized, or even main-streamized controversial moral issues. From suicide to masochism; and from drug use to commercial sex, and the list goes on. I can’t say I feel guilty about normalizing these. I have explored them, became sensitized to them, and was able to shift my understanding of such moral dilemmas. Lately, I have been pushing the limits of my sexuality. I have also been putting all the rights and wrongs to question.

It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I started to question this stance. Where did my mind take me? I feel like I stand very far from my own surrounding community. What about “normal feelings”? What about ordinary human interaction? Can I still experience the ordinary, rewarding encounters? Did I become devoid of sound moral judgements? Am I in the mirage?

I don’t think I can ever go back to a simple dichotomous right-and-wrong mentality. However, I need to know if there are things in me that were lost in the process. I need to know if I have become jaded. What can surprise me or capture my emotions?

Questions that needs further investigation! I don’t know what to do about it, except for lighting another cigarette maybe!