the calling

Am I finding my calling? I write this from below the dark layers of the dark beast. Would I ever forget that quote from yesterday's film? I dragged him to come with me. he warned me it will depress me. he was right. he was talking about his interferon experience, but somehow I related. He describes how everything changes on the drug. He feels he now needs an effort to do anything. To breathe. To move his arm. The will is there but the energy not.

Let's go back to the calling. I am not sure why I went there. I should preserve my energy more. That's a recent resolution. It was about refugees and harendt and other stuff. I listened and when I spoke I wasn’t listened to. I wasn’t seen. It's a familiar dynamics. I just didn't expect it to happen again in that context. I run into my Syrian friend, we are happy to see each other. The performance begins. The boys are stirring my emotions. The lyrics move my tears. Many tears. My friend hugs me, supports me. but she cracks too, especially when she thought about her father. 

One of them steal our eyes and our hearts. His eyes shine. He feels his place in the world. He knows he's beautiful. I want to go back after the break but I don't. I decide that's it, and that it's better to hang out with my friend and smoke and unterhalt. On my way out, three of them are on their way too. We walk together and talk. One of them turns me crazy. He awakened what I thought I lost forever. The changes were not only emotional but also physical. We exchange numbers and I know this would get me in trouble. But I go for it, I can't but go for it. 

The shocking realization because of this encounter haunts me. I am power driven. Just like white people. I enjoy the rush, the exploitation and invasion of less powerful people. I am not joy driven like some of my friends. And that's why I am miserable here and that's why I am feeling better since my power is coming back again. I am like them which means I should understand them which means I should forgive them. 

But this is my doom. That's the important thing. He's my doom.