revolution and hope

It feels like the revolution somehow, but can we compare anything to a revolution? But there are parallels. The buildup of hope, the trust in your fellow compatriots, but the oppressors were stronger, and the anxieties ran deeper. You open up and surrender to the role of a struggler, the role that tears you apart but also affirms certain privileges, regardless of how oppressed you are. The hurt is deep when the project/revolution fails. Can you ever escape the self blame? you called for it and encouraged people to stand up and fight but the losses were great. Whether on a personal or a general level. 

The disillusion sinks in and you yearn for despair. But still despair doesn’t come. Even though the hope is deeply shaken. You can't let go. What do you do now? Where do you seek refuge? Do you bury yourself with oppressors? At least oppressors are clear to you by now, you had to learn it and get used to it. But when the hurts come from allies, there is nowhere to run to. No safe place. No refuge. 

And that's why I had to escape, but there's no escape now. You're stuck. You're torn between the many places you think you belong to. Fuck belonging. Fuck hope. Fuck me for trying. Fuck me for not trying hard enough.