two conundrums: the two orientals and dating

two dichotomies i would like to discuss here.

first we look at the oriental conundrum. well, it sounds like it's about the east but it isn't really or is it? there must have been something about these guys being "eastern" that drew me to them. the eastern european for reasons related to their daily life experiences in today's germany. the fact that they're stereotyped and in some cases exploited and abused. of course that's a blank statements, we need those many times. his hungarian background gave him some appeal. we kicked off however in the wrongest way. he did stereotype arabs and egyptians in such an open way. somehow i decided to let it go and give him a second chance. this is how you get by when you live in white countries. one has to get laid, you know. the other being an ossi. and despite his bad english and his pride about being german, (wtf really), i saw some charm.

what was the conundrum about though? i think it's about giving and holding back. the hungarian being the one who gave. i held back. i was trying to give the ossi. he held back. i'm sure it is not this simple. i may be preoccupied by how white guys show and withhold emotions, and how that's related to their sense of privilege and entitlement. however, there is another thing that i couldn't escape. i got attracted to the unavailable one. the one he gives too little but expects me to always run back. and we do run back. that's the way we are trained. to fall when there's no giveback.

but then this first conundrum leads me to the second one. the one that goes deeper. am i dateable? or how do i deal and survive in this dating environment?

i remember the cairo days, when i grew more and more convinced that my feminist identity, and the fact that i wanted to extend that into my personal life, created a situation where i can't really deal with dating anymore. i remember that moment i was out on a date with this guy who did believe women and men are entirely different species and i was getting angry beyond repair.

i'm back to dating now, well it is more of an option now. it's a good thing, no? i should be happy or grateful, no?

now i feel that i am slowly coming to think that my refugee identity also stands in the way. i am bound to be seen as victim. at the same time, i am bound to be seen as an intruder. also to be seen as the exotic other. i don't feel optimistic that i can get the race thing out of the dynamic.

maybe i do have some saviour thing. maybe i wanna fix people. maybe that's why i am attracted to the ossi. or other white guys. maybe that's part of the appeal.