New Year's Party

Another year. Another party.

Anticipation. Fear. Worry.

Body hate, anxiety about friends failing me, of being raided and arrested. Of drugs not working as it should. Of not feeling a fleeting rapture.

What happened to the brighter side? Where is it? what made it so warped? So sinister and hidden?

Has trauma blinded me? Made me so disconnected from who I am?

They notice changes. I notice them too. I'm not the same, who could I remain the same? I'm harder, cynical and tired.

Would I leave the party bitter and confused? Being the smart one gets me nowhere. Being the sexy one works. Win them over by my brains? By my apparent morality? My genteelness? Oh what priceless bullshit.

My bullshit is so dear to me. I want it to become the norm. How can standing up for principles make you so hated? An outcast.

I'm just fooling myself. I want admiration and fame. I just have different tools. I'm using them for self promotion. The market is just so tough these days.

How long will I stay? How long will I let myself stay? Do I want to stay? What would I actually lose if I stay?

Does it only get darker from here? Guilt and bitterness ridden future ahead? What disaster this new year's eve bring?

I'll probably watch and burn.