New Year's Party

Another year. Another party.

Anticipation. Fear. Worry.

Body hate, anxiety about friends failing me, of being raided and arrested. Of drugs not working as it should. Of not feeling a fleeting rapture.

What happened to the brighter side? Where is it? what made it so warped? So sinister and hidden?

Has trauma blinded me? Made me so disconnected from who I am?

They notice changes. I notice them too. I'm not the same, who could I remain the same? I'm harder, cynical and tired.

Would I leave the party bitter and confused? Being the smart one gets me nowhere. Being the sexy one works. Win them over by my brains? By my apparent morality? My genteelness? Oh what priceless bullshit.

My bullshit is so dear to me. I want it to become the norm. How can standing up for principles make you so hated? An outcast.

I'm just fooling myself. I want admiration and fame. I just have different tools. I'm using them for self promotion. The market is just so tough these days.

How long will I stay? How long will I let myself stay? Do I want to stay? What would I actually lose if I stay?

Does it only get darker from here? Guilt and bitterness ridden future ahead? What disaster this new year's eve bring?

I'll probably watch and burn.

The Cat

I will miss your beautiful face and your warm, unwilling hugs. It's funny what became of us. 

You used to anger me, annoy me. I pushed you and I was violent. I was questioning myself and surprised that I felt this cruelty towards you. How things changed!

I came to love you and care for you. I couldn't get enough of kissing and hugging you. I felt you're my daughter. How did I remove myself from your dying stage. How was I so cool? 

Your little young body was suffering. You made sounds I've never heard before.

I wake up to touch your body and life is gone. You look at me in your reclining pose. You say 

I was here, waiting for help and care. It never came. It was too late.

Another trauma knocks the door. It goes in without permission. How long are you staying? We never know. 

Tired

I need to draw a line. Where do I draw the line? I can't go on like this. I wanted to touch someone's life, now I can't get enough. Maybe I'm not getting validation.

I'll never be swept down by anyone or anything. so why do I expect to sweep away others?

It's not safe for me to go on like this. What could happen? Nervous breakdown, immunity breakdown, hair loss, weight gain, tense relationships, growing dissatisfaction, burnout, risky behavior, depressive episodes, etc.

I don’t want to know anything about Zeina. She's the embodiment of my nightmares. It's what makes me totally cease to exist.

I'm too hard on myself. I'm too unkind. I'm not supporting people around me. What the hell am I doing here?

I miss my sisters. My broken sisters. My teenage sisters. I don't think I'll get over the guilt. I wish I'd never get over it.

Mother, I want to tell you I love you but it's so hard. I'm afraid one of us would die before I do.

Am I still scared of death? Sometimes I wish it. I'm more scared of pain, torture, kidnaps and rape. I don't feel so dejected about death. I feel I'm concerned about the timing. As if I want to push it back until it's right time. No idea when that would come about.

Writing is therapeutic. Why don't I write often? It's writing stupid! Connect to myself more.

What is friendship? They're losing their meaning. It's always been my single most important activity of my life. To befriend, to understand. I don't feel you anymore, don't get you. Why are we still together?

I want out of here. I don’t know why, but I'm expected to want this. Should I just stay? I'm worried about my future if I stay. I'm worried about my future if I leave.

I'm afraid of earthquakes. Living on the 8^th floor doesn't help. Would my flatmate commit suicide? Will I be evicted soon? I want to have a house. I don’t want to live alone anymore.

I'm becoming a different person. Less radical. I'm growing old. I don’t want to live alone. I don’t mind dating. What's happening to me?