rape

I think it will change my perception of penetration forever. It will no longer the initially unnerving, eventually pleasurable action.  It will come to mean submission and control. It will come to signal humiliation and contempt. My sexuality has changed because of it. Simply put, I'm more scared. I am more confident that it can happen again in the future. I would wonder if men who intimidate me want to rape me. I will look differently at consenting to being penetrated. I will realize how consent can be complicated. I will know the anxiety of disclosing the abuse I went through, and the fear of being blamed for what happened to me. I will not have to go through abortion, but I would have a better hint of the consequences.

I will always be surprised of how calm I was after it happened. I remember that I was mostly worried about my numbness. Did it mean I would collapse later? Did it mean I am resilient enough to handle it? I couldn't talk about it for long, until I finally disclosed, and it was a tremendous relief. I was mortified of my friends' reaction. Will they shout? Will they gasp in shock? I didn't want any of that. I just wanted understanding eyes looking at me and telling me "I stand by you".

Despite the fear and helpless, you come to know surviving and resilience. Part of you was taken away, but your strength wasn't. You're still here to venture more scary grounds on this earth.