Abuse

You wake up in pain on a gory nauseating nightmare that involved morgues and torn organs. I have suffered abuse tonight. I was abused when I was inadvertently subjected to tear gas just because I happened to be downtown. I never imagined we’d suffocate on tear gas together but it happened.

But the emotional abuse came from him, when he decided to leave me to be able to continue flirting with someone else. Where is my dignity, I wondered. You kept whining about how late the time is and now suddenly you have the time for this shit? The chocolate bar won’t do and the sudden kiss in the middle of the street won’t do either. And then the crazy thing is when you feel that he’s the person who can mend it up and set your right.

I don’t need this shit, I thought. Am I jealous? I don’t think so. Wait. Maybe I am. Maybe I do want his full attention. But what I really want is respect. Why couldn’t he respect my feelings? And what does respect mean? That I become boring.

He made me feel so replaceable. It sucks. My deeply held anxieties are awakened. He’s much younger and he needs to experience stuff. Which is unfair because I feel like I only began experiencing stuff too. We’re supposed to be grounded and settled because we’re older. But I’m at the phase where I want to get mad.

And you feel like younger and skinnier bitches should die. Die bitch die. And you feel like you want to die, because you don’t want to take the humiliation. You want to annihilate yourself before it gets even worse.  

I don’t love him, I think. I think I’m excited by the way he makes me feel.  Does that make him expendable? 

Is he with me because I’m available? Because it’s fun? Because it’s pleasurable? Because it’s safe?

How do people endure abuse in relationship? It’s so damaging? We’re not that intimate and I’m already going nuts. Is this the norm?

Oh Sylvia!