The One

As I walked next to those monstrous buildings, all looking the same but with different fancy shops below them, I remembered something from my childhood. I used to be terrified by such buildings, I wouldn’t like going near them for fear they might tumble and crush me beneath them.

I don’t know why I started thinking of my need for someone. Someone that I would fall for. The one, who makes me feel special and loved, makes me feel pampered and cared for. It’s just the need for the long-sought feeling of Love. The need to be admired; both for my intellect and my beauty. A feeling that I claim I have never felt before.

I was overwhelmed by the fact that I wasn’t appreciated in that sense; the one endowed by a love relationship. It was painful. I have never been appreciated in this way. I had my reasons to be anxious, terrified even. Now, more than ever, I am very skeptical of the whole matter. My awareness of self gives me a sense of doom. I know what I need and I know who I am more than ever before. The future doesn’t seem bright.

At that moment, I thought “but I’m here, and I would be there for myself”. I thought I don’t need that person. I will be that person. When it gets dark, scary, and confusing, I’ll be there for myself. Although the thought was genuine and I truly believed it, it crushed me. It was as if I’m acknowledging that that special someone will never happen to me!

It reminds of a similar realisation I had about two years ago. I decided to choose career aspirations over personal relationships. Back then, I thought I was being cruel to myself. Right now, I don’t regret it at all. Those personal relationships I wanted to keep back then didn’t last.

Do they ever last? Only you remain for yourself.