The One

As I walked next to those monstrous buildings, all looking the same but with different fancy shops below them, I remembered something from my childhood. I used to be terrified by such buildings, I wouldn’t like going near them for fear they might tumble and crush me beneath them.

I don’t know why I started thinking of my need for someone. Someone that I would fall for. The one, who makes me feel special and loved, makes me feel pampered and cared for. It’s just the need for the long-sought feeling of Love. The need to be admired; both for my intellect and my beauty. A feeling that I claim I have never felt before.

I was overwhelmed by the fact that I wasn’t appreciated in that sense; the one endowed by a love relationship. It was painful. I have never been appreciated in this way. I had my reasons to be anxious, terrified even. Now, more than ever, I am very skeptical of the whole matter. My awareness of self gives me a sense of doom. I know what I need and I know who I am more than ever before. The future doesn’t seem bright.

At that moment, I thought “but I’m here, and I would be there for myself”. I thought I don’t need that person. I will be that person. When it gets dark, scary, and confusing, I’ll be there for myself. Although the thought was genuine and I truly believed it, it crushed me. It was as if I’m acknowledging that that special someone will never happen to me!

It reminds of a similar realisation I had about two years ago. I decided to choose career aspirations over personal relationships. Back then, I thought I was being cruel to myself. Right now, I don’t regret it at all. Those personal relationships I wanted to keep back then didn’t last.

Do they ever last? Only you remain for yourself.

Betrayal

The body betrays. My body fails me when it refused to follow my commands, when I lose control and autonomy escapes me. I am home bound because of another serious attack by vicious bacteria. They seem to have invaded my throat and took over the region. I did not see the betrayal coming, only except for some mild soreness the night ahead. I was being preoccupied by apprehensive parents and worrying uncles, feuding friends and a rather spontaneous gentleman.

The night before betrayal, I surrendered control to the realm of sleep. Did I ever wake up the next day? I can't really recall a moment where I feel I Woke Up. Everything was hazy. It was fever.

The next couple of days are like a fuzzy dream now. Shivers, pain, forced cold showers, needles, vomiting, pills, escaping veins, patients, and an attempt to cleanse my throat using a speculum covered by antibacterial-soaked cotton. It resulted in significant improvement of my swallowing ability.

I must have looked like a savage in the following days. I haven't taken a shower since the betrayal. But I started thinking “how much attention did our ancestors give to hygiene anyway!”. I began to like my smelliness. It was primitive. It was comfortable, far more comfortable than functioning in the maddening world.

It felt good.