Risky

I’m a doomed fucking whore! I kept repeating as I walked out of the bathhouse. What am I doing to myself? Am I trying to catch HIV? Am I a bug chaser? Do I really want to live with HIV? Can I handle being the HIV+ activist? Or will I keep it a secret and keep repeating the same mistake again?

I had encounters where I failed to use a condom or to tell my partner to do so. Now, it’s different. I let them do it. I fuck them without it. Those moments are very exciting, very dangerous. You see it coming, you know you’re going to bareback, but you just let it happen.

I recently discovered how turned on this sense of danger makes me feel. Maybe it started as a part of my experimentation phase. I wanted to try everything, from SM to sex work. Bareback is a big taboo to me. Is this why I enjoy breaking it so much?

I am aware of the consequences. Too aware maybe. But how conscious is conscious? Why do I seek those risky behaviors? Do I really seek or I just let it happen? Does it make a difference?

I have always heard that engaging in self harm means a sense of lack of self worth. Do I feel that I deserve to be punished? To be unhappy? Did I get this nihilistic?

I know I feel many times that life is purposeless. However, I have always felt that we have to go through it to the end, courageously, trying to make the best out of it. What do my struggles mean then? Why do I carry all those causes on my back? Should I turn to complete apathy then?

Am I actually miserable? Am I a wreck? Is my conviction that love is unreal and unattainable makes indulge in those behaviors? Did I completely lose hope in a better life? But I know better.

Human interaction is one of my most important values, but I’m acutely disillusioned about it. I know it never lasts. I know I am not the kind that takes these things for granted. Love is for simple minded fools, not for the doomed like me.

Despite everything, I still love life. I want to see more. I still want to be great. I want to meet more people. I am not appeased yet. Why do I ruin my life then? Why do I damage my health so much? I know it’s the thing you can count on the most as you grow older.

The most dangerous thing about risky behavior (in case you don’t embrace, which I don’t) is that effect it has on your self image. It’s a vicious cycle. I hate myself so I risk my body, and I ended hating myself more. Do I need help? Do I believe in it? And if I do, will I be able to find proper services?

I still love myself, I know. I wouldn’t have been this concerned if I wasn’t. This is my only hope.

On the Train

I’m on the train, on my way back to timeless city of Cairo from my quiet lazy hometown. I think about my demeanor and attitude. I know quite well about my jadedness, cynicism and pessimism. I hardly open up to strangers, I hardly take things lightly, I think too much.

I had two significant conversations recently. One of them was with this guy I met after a lot of persuasion from his side. I did it out of being nice more than anything else. I was talking about compartmentalizing my life and my friendships. He was generous enough to be curious and asked me why. I said I am a control freak and I like to be in control of the relationships and people I know. I like to manage things and not let them manage me. I also like to diversify my life so I can switch from this outing to that according to my mood. Moreover, I’ve been in the middle of a lot of conflicts and feuds and I honestly don’t want to deal with that anymore. It’s really hard when you’re acting like a broker all the time.

These are all selfish reasons. I had a selfless one though, and it’s not any less important than the rest. I really care about my friends’ happiness and pleasure. I never want to put them in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. That’s why I didn’t want to mix them together so they can always feel they have the best attention I can give.

This made me realize I don’t really compartmentalize the way I used to do before. Am I becoming more relaxed? Or just too tired to be in control?

The 2^nd conversation was on the phone with a friend whose relationship to me has been tumultuous lately. She said she realized that I’m so fucked up and maybe even more fucked up than she is. She thinks I freak out of human relationships to the point I have to keep pushing people away and destroying every chance for me to have a good relationship.

She definitely has a point. I know I push people away and that intimacy freaks me out. Me and V had many conversations about that too. Now that I am writing about it, I don’t know what can happen next. I definitely know I have issues deeper and deeper and I miss having a new relationship that allows you to rediscover yourself by seeing yourself through new eyes.

I need a process of exploration of both self and others.

To the bathhouse!

I just got back from the Hammam, a local bathhouse, a remnant of an era when bodies were not so much oppressed as today. Today’s bodies are oppressed by gym fascism and social norms. Hammams were an essential part of the culture in the Middle East/Arab region. Please save your Orientalism for later!

Now it’s neglected, but it still attracts people from all strata of society. No need to mention that it had become a great venue of gay people so they can catch some moments of desire; a place where they can express their repressed desire and avoid the claustrophobia of having no decent spaces to get together.

The hammam brings out a side of me I never knew existed before. A wild uninhibited side. I was intimidated at first. The clientele is mostly working class men in different age with a few middle class guys and rarely an appearance from the upper class. I found the working class more liberating to be with. Though I can never click with them on any other level, I found it kind of easier to deal with, and to share momentary pleasure. A big part of the thrill is the real-life browsing. It saves you from all the pain and disappointments of online browsing. I also love the cues and signs we exchange to express interest. It’s daring and sexy.

I also unleashed my liking for exhibitionism. I found it so exciting knowing that people watch me and want to touch me. It’s so liberating to be able to walk around naked. I suffered with my body image for years. It’s crazy that I find the medicine for it there. Going there makes me feel beautiful and sexy.

It also makes me realize how powerful sexuality is. It connects people despite their differences and they rediscover themselves and how they view themselves.

It really empowers you.

One Bloody January!

The New Year continues to disappoint. This month has carries bad news for my sister and uncle’s health. It is really annoying and worrisome, not to mention my hospitalization which was an awful experience.

Friends threw me a surprise birthday party; actually it wasn’t only for me. It was for my close Capricorn friend as well. I didn’t enjoy it; not one single minute of it.

Last year, I tried to have a little friendly gathering in remembrance of turning 25. It was a terrible idea. Close friends didn’t show up and I was thoroughly frustrated. I decided I would never organize my own birthday party. Ever!

This year was different. I was thinking too much of becoming older. It’s like things are never the same again after you lived for 25 years on this earth. I spent not so little time pondering my quarter age crisis. But this is not the only reason it was bad. The venue was horrible and the lack of a safe, friendly space was indeed an issue. All the close friends were there. However, I was very anxious. I didn’t like the attention brought about by this occasion. I didn’t like the fact that it wasn’t my party, since it was also dedicated to my friend. I wanted to be truly celebrated I guess. I wanted it to be perfect; which it can never be!

On a different note, I listen sometimes to that twat called Safi on Nile FM. He was asking people to send in the questions they have on mind and have no answer to. In a total act of desperation and dramatique, I sent in the question “how do I make people love me?” a question that takes a good deal of my energy. I expected him to ignore it or at least make fun of it. He delivered a serious response though. And to my great surprise it did mean something. He said that I have to love myself first. I then started to question. I know that my relationship with myself has been tumultuous, but it can never be boiled down to love. I am too hard on myself most of the time. I always think of my flaws. I always seek impeccability and perfection. Then I thought this must be on the wish list. The list of the things I want to work on in 2011. (and again I sound as trite as those self-help books and horoscope shows on new year’s eve)

I still can’t get myself to write about the thing I want to do in 2011. Maybe I will get back to this later!

Dreams, Friends and Interests!

This is my first post in the New Year. The year began tragically with Alexandria’s events and for the first time I feel like Egypt is not a place I want to live in. I kicked the year with the trip to Aswan, though it felt ill-timed after the Alexandria tragedy. I woke up today after a dream of F. It was strange to have him again in dreams, but I cannot deny that he was much on mind lately. It’s been more than two years since we first met in November of 2008, and almost a year since we met in February of 2010. I can’t remember most of the dream now. I still remember how it felt. It was like us reuniting at the current moment. I felt I was more aware of his flaws and that I have the current understanding of the limitations of our acquaintance, but against all odds the passion was there and at one point I thought to myself he could be my sexual sanctuary! (being the user Capricorn that I am, I guess)

But I think I am here to write about friendship. The dictionaries define friends as people you have affection and love for. That is true maybe, but it’s a very limited view. Friendship is an important social tool. A survival tool. Friends are the ones you can trust, count on, and share your stories and drama with. Friendship is about accepting your friends and supporting them. I like friendships.

My perception of a perfect relationship was always platonic in my early teenage years. I hated sex and sexuality for a long time. This continues to have an impact on me. I am more comfortable being safe in a friendship than a romantic love relationship (as if I had any real ones). However, I don’t really recall selecting my friends. They always seemed to choose me. Maybe I do give an impression of reliability after all. I somehow selected them through filtering. I allow those who seem to be leading towards an effective friendship. One that is characterized by understanding and mutual interest. Yes, I said interests. I believe humans are motivated by their interests. One has to search for people who support him. Their existence is necessary to face the hardships of life. One has to have someone to listen to their rants. It’s in one’s interest to have someone in your life that plays that role. It might sound selfish I know, but I don’t think so, plus I don’t think it’s wrong for someone to pursue their interests.

At this point, it becomes clear that there has to be a certain exchange. You can’t just take from friendships without giving. You have to give attention. You have to give care and support. I like my friendships to be genuine. I was always bad at half friendships (i. e. managing acquaintances).

Sometimes friendships are not about exchange though. You give and support someone knowing there would really be no catch at the end; maybe because of guilt, obligation, memories shared or true affection. It can’t always about the exchange or about the personal gains.

“When would consequences be inconsequential to me?” sounds irrelevant and probably is, but couldn’t help but end with it!

2010

I feel obliged to write a closing note, one where I would reflect on 2010, its ups and downs. After all, the main aim of this blog is to understand myself better and to document my development and my memories.

I remember I was very enthused at the beginning of 2010. I felt I was ready for great things to come which was probably propelled by some horoscope prophecy! A few weeks into 2010 I was met with a very difficult situation; getting laid off from my workplace. I was under the impression that I was hired and I would continue there for a long(er) time. The excuses were very lame and I was very confused. “Was this a sign to leave the development field” was a main question. However, I hanged on and I moved onto my current workplace. It’s funny to think about it, all this series of events that led to me being where I am. Funnily enough, it started with Marwan! I can’t really know if it’s the best situation for me. But I think it’s good, it’s definitely a move forward in career life.

On the friendship front, I remember getting very much closer to Sh and A, my suicidal friends! I think we got so very close to each other; however, there were always difficulties and time of severe hardship. 2010 witnessed a final breakup with Ch and surprisingly getting much closer to Y, which I don’t know if it’s a genuine thing or a temporary one, especially with the current distance due to return of his Diaspora friends!

There was similarly too much strain with M and at more than one time thought of actually sealing the deal. These times of strain go on till now, even as I am writing these words.

New friendships were formed. This year got me another kind of friends. “The baby homos”, within whom Dino with the most prominent, it was an interesting experience indeed and walked into it with an attitude of learning and character study, but provoked thoughts and feelings I did not imagine. I also met the angry young Virgo, which seemed as potential true friends at times.

Other friends left and moved on. V left for Lebanon and he doesn’t seem very happy there. I miss him truly though at many times I wonder if he truly understood me. Libras never do! It’s also important to remember that A left me this year, and although it was brief, it had a lot of impact on me and on our friendship. I feel much less permeable now!

As for D, though we’re not “regular” friends but we go on as esteemed friends despite the differences and his continuous bitching!

Love life (should I really try to write about it?) was as usually not very eventful. A reunion with F in February resulted in the decision of never contacting him again ever. We were never meant to be and I guess his ex R was right after all. He continues to have a part of my affection and I cannot deny that after all. Apart from that, nothing much happened. I cannot really recall a date that mattered much.

The highlight of 2010 is the professional development, on personal levels however I feel more jaded, more tired, and more skeptical.

I intend to write about 2011 aspirations and resolutions but I’ll leave that to another post.

Saudade

So I just discovered the Saudade concept! It just hits you, doesn’t it? How could a concept be so complex yet so relevant? I start thinking about my saudades. And again I feel very old. I wanted to write a cheerful post for a change. This won’t be it for sure. This one is about Saudade.

I feel the loss and the pain. I feel like I missed so many chances. Being surrounded by those younger talented boys makes me feel jealous. They’re so youthful and beautiful. I strive to live independently, to make myself more resourceful and knowledgeable. I didn’t exactly fail, but I am not there too. I feel like the early twenties is the age when you should fall head over heels, be swept away by love. Even if love was not real. I want to be fooled by it. Maybe it is not that great to have a life that is shaped by your lovers. But who said I want ordinary lovers? I want my kind of lovers! The one that seemed possible with F, or the one I never met. The one I feel the Saudade for.

Did I start too late? Even in career life. I feel like I could have been where I am now a few years before. Now I missed those years and I am about to turn 26. I lost the good part of my twenties.

I have a saudade for my family. I can’t be there for them. I can reach out to them. But I won’t be a real part of my sisters’ formation. I would always miss so many memories and moments.

My hesitancy in communicating with others made me lost many chances. It is easy to dismiss everything, maybe nothing would have changed at all, but maybe everything might have changed as well. I will never know.