a german again

I kept nagging my friend to leave. It's easier for him to get hooked up. He has got the total arab hunk look. Popular product on the gay market. He is staying because he wants to keep his optiions about. He already got a hot guy hooked on him, but he has eyes on another sexy guy. I wanna go home and sleep. It's been a hard week between working and learning german. I'm turning into a zombie and there's nothing this zombie wants more now than a good long sleep. 

The guy on the next table is smiling another time. Maybe we saw each other before and he's smiling to validate that old encounter. Or maybe he's high on something and he sends his smiles to signal the high he's having. I begin to put my jacket on preparing for the impending coldness on the street. 

He steps towards me. staring into my eyes with a smile that's now taking over his face. It was a comforting warm smile. he talked me into staying and having another beer. I didn't feel ashamed telling my friend that I'm staying after all. He would have also done the same whenever he gets a real chance. 

I am curious where he's from but I feel it's rude to ask. I am thinking he could be turkish? Souther european? Those turks can be so confusing, they can look so white, especially when they have the hipster attitude. He said he's german and my heart dropped. I had stop giong out with german guys a while ago. Two of them broke my heart already. The one who disappeared after we had three intense dates. And the other kept me as a toy while he tries to get his ex boyfriend back. Many other encounters made me feel bitter and angry, the distance they kept, the lack of empathy. I thought no more of them. 

The conversation was warm and I was thinking if I would change my mind. Give them another chance. This one right here feels very warm, and he kisses really well. He's not so big so I won't be scared of him physically overpowering me. I enjoyed the kisses and his compliments about my eyes. I started wondering, is this how our relationship can begin? Right this moment at a cruising bar? Maybe this when love is born. 

We go to the dark room. I'm more attracted to him. I love the feel of his body. Yes he doesn't have the drive to please. A problem I have encountered all too often. However something in me felt empowered to tell him what pleases me and he was happy to oblige. I feel like I try to regain the old slut spirit, the one that was more adventurous and fearless. The one who cruised on Cairo streets. 

He asks me if I want to go with him and my heart is fluttering even harder. So maybe there's actually something here, he doesn't want to end it the level of a dark room hookup. I pretend to consider shortly but in my head I already said yes. I am happy that I'm finally going to get to sleep next to someone. I'm surprised by the fact that my body is actually able to have with him sex one more time. 

When we wake up he says he's going to ikea to get new furniture for his new flat. The one I envy heavily. The pain of the search for the flat grips my heart when I think of how far it is for me to achieve the goal of having such a place for myself. I wondered why he is not offering to have sex wi th me again. I thought we both implied it in our jokes about being hungry and eating last night. Is this the beginning of rejection? Is this when I begin to feel less in this relationship? 

He suggests a breakfast together and my hopes go high again. But I didn't know that this will soon completely changes. We talk on the way there about egypt and asks me

Do you go back?

No I haven't since I came here.

You don't want or you can't?

I can't

Why?

Because I came here through asylum.

What does this have to do with it?

I realize at this point that he knows nothing on the matter of asylum.

He asks me questions as I explain to him the asylum process and rights you get denied from when you apply for it. He listens without commenting. Without saying anything about how that must have been hard for me. of how it's painful to think of the separation I have with my family. It wasn't until later when were having our breakfast when he began talking about his struggles living in south america and how he missed good techno music and was mad about the lack of air conditioners that I realized that I was expressing my understanding and support for his feelings while he didn't give me the same thing. It wasn't until then that I realized how he failed to provide any sympathy or support. I started to notice that I censor myself to avoid raising issues that will break our bond. I notice that he asked me if I work for the third time and this irritates me. he offers to pay and I ask if he's sure. I think for a moment, I don't want him to pay because I don't want him to feel that he was superior to me. I don't want to him to assert his power even more. However I quickly decide to let him do it. Why should I reject taking our money back?

As we walk to the station, we smile to each other. How our feelings beyond our smiles have changed so quickly. He leans to me and gives me a kiss I know I will miss. I realize that we didn't exchange phone numbers. I know I will miss this kiss but a part of me is quite relieved.