Snippets

Let's write in snippets style, because it gives us a chance to talk about a lot of random things without really bothering with structure.

Should I talk about the aggressions of the day? Or the highlights? Let's not pretend. It was a bad day, that ended with some attempts for self remedy.

I get out of bed with great difficulty. After I got to Nolle, I almost turned around and went home. I endured and went to the office. Those others struggling with German during the meeting made it better. I guess I was more exhausted than irritated, except for the dog comments. My suggestion to have an Arabic speaking support group triggered her to suggest to have a support group for dogs. I quickly scanned everybody's face. Nobody expressed the slightest of dismay. Many were laughing or seemingly amused. It reminded me when Kilomba talked about how the white guy who played jazz joked about KKK with his white friends and sharing that with his black girlfriend. It reminded me as well of that time when I dated an Ossi and I would remind him of a song called Killing An Arab. The French guy's consoling comment about me finding a boyfriend one day didn't also help.

At least I played with Abi, who had a beautifully surprised face when he learned I am African too. I know I don't look black enough, I wanted to say. I had to think of Marwan, particularly when he begged me to play some more and asked me to sit on my lap while he plays his Mario on a gadget I don't know its name. 

Things kicked in at a certain moment. My certainty that my hemorrhoids are back. My despair and confusion about the situation with Gian. All my anxieties about being loveless and unloveable. The detachment and isolation and coldness of berlin life. My sense of duty towards the requests to be present for the three refugee friends I met along the journey. My broken promises to put myself first.

I try to heal with food, TV distraction and writing. Be kind to yourself Kat.