Everybody is touched by Giulio's brutal and tragic death. How do I
explain my particular feelings around it? How it hits a certain chord because I
am seeing Gianmarco. How he looks like him, two Italians venturing with their
researching eyes into oriental lands. They approached though with more love
than condescension. How possible is it that the fight I had yesterday with
Gianmarco is about Giulio? The day he the news of his death came out, I avoided
meeting him. It was too terrifying to think of talking about it.
Do I find reasons to push people
away? Do I hide behind politics? Why did I grill him so much about cultural
appropriation? Was that really why we were fighting or was something else,
something deeper?
He tells me I am distant, and he is right. I feel like I have tons of
reasons to be distant. One was the virus. Now that we got this off the chest, I
have the boyfriend thing. I have no real qualms about seeing a guy who has a
boyfriend, especially that he couldn't be further away from not only berlin but
all of europe. But maybe it does make me anxious. Why does dating make me so
anxious? I'm too anxious to even know what I really feel for him. I was looking
forward to see him that day, even though we had met only two days before. Is it
the February effect? The need for warmth and cuddles to make through the long
painful berlin winter?
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