Thoughts of a 29-year-old

On perils of long-term friendships
 You get too comfortable. You know each other too well, or you think you do. Years of perceptions, attitudes accumulate and form a solid image of who the other person is. You forget that we change and grow in the process, and we're no longer the same persons. You act out your anger at each other. It gets hurtful and sabotaging. You fail to see the vulnerabilities. You know the weaknesses too well. You don't appreciate the strengths as much.
She disappoints me and breaks my heart. To see her bound to her perpetrator, unable to break free and be the vibrant person she once was. She can't be with me because she has to be with him. I want more of her. He makes me feel ugly, undesired. He makes me feel slight. He doesn't give me safe space to express the real me, the fragile and vulnerable me. His attitudes make me feel lacking.

We're bound to each other. What binds us? Obligation, trust or fear of the unknown?

On caring for others as a job
Trauma is now part of me. I supported many people as a full time job. My ability to listen, support is now diminished. I can't be patient as I was. I can't be helpful as I was. I can't trust people because I know I'll be fucked over and over for it.

Reappearance 
Of all people, I see you sitting there at the bar right in front of me. I was thinking about you lately. Thinking if I ever forgave you or if I should or if I could for that matter. Thinking of what scars you left in me. I said you represented hope. You shattered the hope. I don't want you back. I don't know what I want with you. I wish I could understand. 

On leaving everything behind
I feel increasingly trapped that the only way out is a literal way out. How can I explore who I can be and what I can do if I stick around same places and faces? Is this really me and is this all that I can be? Would I be happy elsewhere? Could I ever be happy here when I feel I've seen it all?

On body and desire
What do I do with my libido? I sometimes want to rid myself of it. Be liberated from wanting to connect with others in a sexual medium. I thought life can be easier without libido. I talked to him after we fucked and I asked him why we fuck even if I'm not his type. It made me wonder if I would ever feel good enough about my body. I'd always doubt they want me. How can I have a chance of escaping my betraying body? How can I mend things between us? How can I be comfortable enough to embrace different sorts of intimacies?

On crisis 
The fear is it won't get better. It won't feel better. It gets worse. I know what they say about being more assertive in your 30s and that's all great. It's crazy how I spend the best part of my life trying to be an adult; and now that I'm molding into an irreversible adult, I want to rebel against it.  I wish I could give poor young me a big hug.