I am okay. Surprisingly “okay”. Which means I could have
been doing much worse. But for now I am okay. And I have to be grateful.
What is going on to me was a pressing question a few days
ago. I went over to my friend’s, discussed our hopes and fears as usual. She made
dinner, I offered a little help. An hour later I was falling asleep, I had only
had two puffs of that beautiful joint. Why am I falling asleep now? I spelled
it out in that sleepy phase. I said I want to get married. As in the traditional
sexist sense of it. Going back from work for a cooked dinner by your partner. Staying
in and not wanting to socialize or mix with others. I never thought I’d
verbalize that ever. This warrants an investigation.
I am overworked, too stressed, underrelaxed. I am
traumatized and frustrated. I have to admit it all to understand what’s going
on with me.
My job is taking its toll on me, it’s emotionally draining. It’s
changing me. I go through intense human experiences. My friends tell me it
makes me categorize life more easily, which augments my lower tolerance for
bullshit. I am doing well at work. It’s all the other questions of what’s next
and what’s the current toll! It’s anxieties of being underpaid and
underappreciated. It’s the concern about always working on shaky grounds.
My social network is on shaky grounds too. My relations with
closest people are drastically changing. One in a committed relationship and
those usually suck your friends away. Another
is increasingly sentimental and extravagant and it hurts me that I cannot
tolerate it. And the last friend I spent too much times physically together but
our hearts and minds in completely different places. How scary is it when you
feel that the most important social investment you made is those very alliances
that seem to be falling apart? Yes, I am ready to open and explore and I can
but what the hell? It is scary.
Yes, the revolution was scarring. From the emotional rollercoasters
to the grinding moral questions. From the fearless stands on the frontlines to
the fear and trembling at the sound of any bang. From dealing with refugees
everyday to the looming and hateful specter of becoming one some day.
And what of intimacy? I do have more appreciation for it,
partly for the pragmatic aspect of it, for better time management. People can
be such a waste of time. And what does frustration create? Unsafe behavior.
A desire
to annihilate oneself sometimes overtake me. A wish to expand and explore sexuality
creates situations where one is compromised. When the public seems noisy and
fruitless, you want to go inwards. You want to revolt against yourself. What better
grounds of revolution than the body and its limits of pleasure? Writing on
pleasure and danger of sexual encounters is one of the deferred wishes.
After all, I am okay.
