On the Train

I’m on the train, on my way back to timeless city of Cairo from my quiet lazy hometown. I think about my demeanor and attitude. I know quite well about my jadedness, cynicism and pessimism. I hardly open up to strangers, I hardly take things lightly, I think too much.

I had two significant conversations recently. One of them was with this guy I met after a lot of persuasion from his side. I did it out of being nice more than anything else. I was talking about compartmentalizing my life and my friendships. He was generous enough to be curious and asked me why. I said I am a control freak and I like to be in control of the relationships and people I know. I like to manage things and not let them manage me. I also like to diversify my life so I can switch from this outing to that according to my mood. Moreover, I’ve been in the middle of a lot of conflicts and feuds and I honestly don’t want to deal with that anymore. It’s really hard when you’re acting like a broker all the time.

These are all selfish reasons. I had a selfless one though, and it’s not any less important than the rest. I really care about my friends’ happiness and pleasure. I never want to put them in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. That’s why I didn’t want to mix them together so they can always feel they have the best attention I can give.

This made me realize I don’t really compartmentalize the way I used to do before. Am I becoming more relaxed? Or just too tired to be in control?

The 2^nd conversation was on the phone with a friend whose relationship to me has been tumultuous lately. She said she realized that I’m so fucked up and maybe even more fucked up than she is. She thinks I freak out of human relationships to the point I have to keep pushing people away and destroying every chance for me to have a good relationship.

She definitely has a point. I know I push people away and that intimacy freaks me out. Me and V had many conversations about that too. Now that I am writing about it, I don’t know what can happen next. I definitely know I have issues deeper and deeper and I miss having a new relationship that allows you to rediscover yourself by seeing yourself through new eyes.

I need a process of exploration of both self and others.

To the bathhouse!

I just got back from the Hammam, a local bathhouse, a remnant of an era when bodies were not so much oppressed as today. Today’s bodies are oppressed by gym fascism and social norms. Hammams were an essential part of the culture in the Middle East/Arab region. Please save your Orientalism for later!

Now it’s neglected, but it still attracts people from all strata of society. No need to mention that it had become a great venue of gay people so they can catch some moments of desire; a place where they can express their repressed desire and avoid the claustrophobia of having no decent spaces to get together.

The hammam brings out a side of me I never knew existed before. A wild uninhibited side. I was intimidated at first. The clientele is mostly working class men in different age with a few middle class guys and rarely an appearance from the upper class. I found the working class more liberating to be with. Though I can never click with them on any other level, I found it kind of easier to deal with, and to share momentary pleasure. A big part of the thrill is the real-life browsing. It saves you from all the pain and disappointments of online browsing. I also love the cues and signs we exchange to express interest. It’s daring and sexy.

I also unleashed my liking for exhibitionism. I found it so exciting knowing that people watch me and want to touch me. It’s so liberating to be able to walk around naked. I suffered with my body image for years. It’s crazy that I find the medicine for it there. Going there makes me feel beautiful and sexy.

It also makes me realize how powerful sexuality is. It connects people despite their differences and they rediscover themselves and how they view themselves.

It really empowers you.