2010

I feel obliged to write a closing note, one where I would reflect on 2010, its ups and downs. After all, the main aim of this blog is to understand myself better and to document my development and my memories.

I remember I was very enthused at the beginning of 2010. I felt I was ready for great things to come which was probably propelled by some horoscope prophecy! A few weeks into 2010 I was met with a very difficult situation; getting laid off from my workplace. I was under the impression that I was hired and I would continue there for a long(er) time. The excuses were very lame and I was very confused. “Was this a sign to leave the development field” was a main question. However, I hanged on and I moved onto my current workplace. It’s funny to think about it, all this series of events that led to me being where I am. Funnily enough, it started with Marwan! I can’t really know if it’s the best situation for me. But I think it’s good, it’s definitely a move forward in career life.

On the friendship front, I remember getting very much closer to Sh and A, my suicidal friends! I think we got so very close to each other; however, there were always difficulties and time of severe hardship. 2010 witnessed a final breakup with Ch and surprisingly getting much closer to Y, which I don’t know if it’s a genuine thing or a temporary one, especially with the current distance due to return of his Diaspora friends!

There was similarly too much strain with M and at more than one time thought of actually sealing the deal. These times of strain go on till now, even as I am writing these words.

New friendships were formed. This year got me another kind of friends. “The baby homos”, within whom Dino with the most prominent, it was an interesting experience indeed and walked into it with an attitude of learning and character study, but provoked thoughts and feelings I did not imagine. I also met the angry young Virgo, which seemed as potential true friends at times.

Other friends left and moved on. V left for Lebanon and he doesn’t seem very happy there. I miss him truly though at many times I wonder if he truly understood me. Libras never do! It’s also important to remember that A left me this year, and although it was brief, it had a lot of impact on me and on our friendship. I feel much less permeable now!

As for D, though we’re not “regular” friends but we go on as esteemed friends despite the differences and his continuous bitching!

Love life (should I really try to write about it?) was as usually not very eventful. A reunion with F in February resulted in the decision of never contacting him again ever. We were never meant to be and I guess his ex R was right after all. He continues to have a part of my affection and I cannot deny that after all. Apart from that, nothing much happened. I cannot really recall a date that mattered much.

The highlight of 2010 is the professional development, on personal levels however I feel more jaded, more tired, and more skeptical.

I intend to write about 2011 aspirations and resolutions but I’ll leave that to another post.

Saudade

So I just discovered the Saudade concept! It just hits you, doesn’t it? How could a concept be so complex yet so relevant? I start thinking about my saudades. And again I feel very old. I wanted to write a cheerful post for a change. This won’t be it for sure. This one is about Saudade.

I feel the loss and the pain. I feel like I missed so many chances. Being surrounded by those younger talented boys makes me feel jealous. They’re so youthful and beautiful. I strive to live independently, to make myself more resourceful and knowledgeable. I didn’t exactly fail, but I am not there too. I feel like the early twenties is the age when you should fall head over heels, be swept away by love. Even if love was not real. I want to be fooled by it. Maybe it is not that great to have a life that is shaped by your lovers. But who said I want ordinary lovers? I want my kind of lovers! The one that seemed possible with F, or the one I never met. The one I feel the Saudade for.

Did I start too late? Even in career life. I feel like I could have been where I am now a few years before. Now I missed those years and I am about to turn 26. I lost the good part of my twenties.

I have a saudade for my family. I can’t be there for them. I can reach out to them. But I won’t be a real part of my sisters’ formation. I would always miss so many memories and moments.

My hesitancy in communicating with others made me lost many chances. It is easy to dismiss everything, maybe nothing would have changed at all, but maybe everything might have changed as well. I will never know.