to my friend

Where do I begin my friend? You even refuse to view this blog; you probably don’t care enough. I wonder if I did give you the link though! I think I didn’t. I wouldn’t really change a thing anyway.

I met you my friend for the first time about five years ago on that trip to your city. It wouldn’t be accurate to say it was a twist of fate to meet you, it was more of a series of twists! Typical of Libras, you were charming and sweet. I was amazed by our flow of conversation and your revolutionary thoughts although you didn’t read many books. We seemed to share a lot of things. I was really happy to meet you. It was a thrilling encounter. The kind of encounters that makes you think that wild things are still possible, and that you can still meet people you fall in love with. I even thought I might love you!

I was sure of what you mean to me. I held you close to my heart. I was always uncomfortable with labeling someone as a best friend, but secretly you held that status. You were the one I could trust most, feel free with most… It wasn’t easy our friendship. Distance is a bitch. And time revealed how different we are. Or maybe we change. Of course we change. If I look at where we were, and where we are, it becomes clear. Even my views are changing, my views on religion, society, relationships, sexuality, family bonds, friendships. They all keep changing. I wonder where my views would take me next.

We had our struggles. Maybe our first one was about how to spend our time together. Ever the Capricorn, I wanted to some organised fun. An arranged meeting. A time to for proper catching up, etc. You refuse such rules I figured. You value fun, and fun doesn’t have to be organised, does it?!

You criticised religion, but then you refuse to fully abandon it in some sort of Pascal's Wager which I abhor. You put your dates first, while I would never miss seeing a friend for unless I see him/her quite often enough. I always thought that we should talk about our issues, because that’s what would make us grow as friend and become closer. That wasn’t really “your way”!

Don’t get me wrong my friend. I know I tend to think I’m always right. But I really questioned myself a lot around you. I questioned my thought and actions. I thought of myself as a controlling freak; a stubborn bitch, unable to compromise or accept others for what they are; or an idealistic dreamer with too ambitious expectations that will always fail to materialise.

I felt like what you mean to me is so much different from what I meant to you. That realisation wasn’t an easy one to make or to arrive at. But then again, I did feel many times that you do love me, you just perceive it and react to it in a different way.

Quite recently, there has been this rift I can’t get over. Seeing you with your other friends hanging round without me knowing about it hit me really deep.

What do I mean to you? Have I become some sort of a 'party pooper' for you? I can’t deny the pain. I struggled with my pride and the need to set things right with you. And I decided (was it really a decision? Or things just happen because you can’t decide otherwise?) I am to ignore you deal for me, and I was scared of presenting that to you, and you belittle it or avoid it as you always do. Silence seemed like a better choice.

But it is that silence that seems to change the whole deal, the whole friendship. What does it mean now if I can’t tell you what I feel anymore? What does it mean when we have that growing distance between us? What does it mean that I am not making an effort for “us” as I used to do? Let’s admit it, you won’t make it! (at least the way I imagine things to be)

And this doesn’t feel sad as much as it feel peculiar and curious! Or am I actually sad while I refuse to delve into it, or even admit it? It’s funny that I am not even sure how I feel about this. I guess I should be torn to pieces, in pain. This isn’t really how it feels, and maybe that’s the REAL sad thing.

You miss me, I think. I miss you. I miss us.