Love Handles

So I have to admit to myself that I am having a sort of a crisis, and attempt to vent it out, document it all here. I am to confide others with this at some point, but right now it’s me time.

I knew this guy online. He was sweet, simple and Alexandrian. He said sweet things praising my beauty, and you know how dangerous it is when you feel that warm sensation coming along. You’re being desired, you’re being flirted with, you’re being assured that you’re a catch! I tried to meet the boy while I was in Alexandria in that last visit. His phone was off, and then he made excuses and apologized which I deemed reasonable enough. One doesn’t get a chance to talk to hotties everyday, especially when they treat you as one yourself.

Later on, he insisted to see my body. I was reluctant and made excuses about being tired and what not. Ironically enough, it was the very day that I felt fat than any other day. It certainly did not feel like a good time to strip in front of a web camera. He insisted and insinuated I’m being shy or afraid. I decided to play along thinking that he will come to realize how my body is really like sooner or later and sooner is better. To clarify, I’m not fat, I wouldn’t even be called chubby, I’m just not fit, not muscular, kinda flappy. I have a little beer belly and sort of love handles. The boy said he would tell me if he found me unattractive, and he did.

Not only did he say that I’m not his type (except for my face), but he went on to give me advice and tips on how to keep my body fit and attractive and told me off for being unattentive and unhealthy. I smiled it off, kept my best to show that I’m not offended or hurt.

This really made me feel broken and confused. Now I know I still get praised for my facial beauty. It is the body that hardly sits well with my audience. Why do we place such pressure on the body? Why do we expect it to be perfect? Why don’t we have mercy on it?

While I do genuinely want to run and find a great way to exercise and keep healthy, I find myself faced with many dilemmas. At one hand, my injured knee prevents me from doing any strenuous activities. In the same time, I’m motivated to exercise because of that very bad knee, and to lower the amount of pain I get because of it. I am also faced with the question of whether I’d be doing this to appeal to others or not. I cannot deny that this will be a goal while I’m exercising to get the attention and praise of my admirers. I wonder, however, if I’d be able to continue such exercise knowing that stopping it would be much worse than ever starting it.

Can this dumping conversation be a wakeup call? Can I actually put the time and energy into doing this? Is it worth it? Will this make people love me? Will I be happier because I’d finally be doing something I wanted to do but was reluctant to? It all will become clear soon, I hope.

Reconsidering Single!

I despised relationships. I don’t believe in them. I rationalized and extolled various theories behind my resentments. I believed we were wired and brainwashed by society that relationships are the norm. Otherwise, you’re miserable, unhappy and incomplete! I put forth various reasons why people want to be in a relationship. Among the reasons and motivations were: the desire for validation; social acceptance; peer pressure; physical and emotional dependence; the irrational fear of being alone. Meanwhile, I advocated one night stands. I praised singlehood. I broke down the ins and outs of a relationship and showed the various fallacies around it.

Here I am a few days later rethinking all those positions and stances. If I am to get on with my life always seeking and enacting one night stands, would I get anything more than that? Why do I assume that if I hang around always seeking instant gratification it would magically turn into a glorious love story? Doesn’t require some effort from my side too? Doesn’t fucking at first sight somehow destroy the prospects of human interaction later on? Wouldn’t I be somehow narrowing my potential when I limited my encounters to fuck-and-leave kind of thing?

But here I have to stop and think: why do I want to move away from the one night stand style? I do still believe that relationships are overrated and monogamy is even more overestimated. However, I still think that this state of interdependence can be gratifying. Yes, friends are good, friends are amazing. I love friends. Friends listen to you, pamper you, support you and cheer you up. Somehow we’re always too greedy to be satisfied with that. We seek to be gratified physically, emotionally, and mentally at the same time. I would love to have someone who listens to me, shares my life, and still fucks me at the end of the day. I still want to experience that, at least give myself a real shot at it. I know it won’t last and it’s not supposed to. But I want to do it at least for the sake of doing-anything-once.

I recently had a conversation that might have elicited some of those second thoughts. The person was saying that he had a lot of non-attached fun before. Then for the last five years he completely changed his strategy. He tries to seek something of meaning. It made sense, despite my reservations. If you always put yourself in a certain cycle, you will only end up with so much. I haven’t lost my faith in pure chance and randomness, because that’s what I believe the whole world relies upon. I think that somehow you should have a focus. I have always been pragmatic and you can’t get something without actually working towards it. That’s my philosophy. Whether this applies to this tricky of love and relationships, it remains unclear.

Dull, nonspecific pain

Dull nonspecific pain. I don’t know where it’s coming from. Why am I feeling like this? What am I exactly seeking or looking for? An intense encounter? I don’t think the problem is about getting laid anymore. I am getting as much sex as I’d like to, except for reason of the availability of physical space. But I get many guys hitting on me. The capacity of those encounters is so limited though. It’s merely physical with a little degree of comfort that enables further acquaintance. I always say I have the best friends that stimulate me intellectually and I can share my deepest secrets with. Do I miss the thrill of new encounters then? Of getting to know someone? The exploration orgasm? How fucking dependent is that? To have your happiness reliant on somebody else’s presence. Isn’t that mere reliance and masochism? But then again if it gives some sort of please, why not adopt a little bit of reliance and masochism?

Why do I feel this pain? Is it because I don’t feel popular? Is it because of my perpetual awkwardness around people I don’t know well? Do I have low self esteem issues? Body image issues? I am aware of my skills and beauty, but why am I never confident enough to pursue other men in full throttle exploration adventures? Do I intimidate people or am I always terrified from others? Or maybe the relationship between both of them is very close?

At a party last night, I couldn’t help myself but lament the fact that I was never approached by anyone, nor did I do it for that matter. I only spent the effort trying to hook other couples up, and I was wondering why I am doing this? To still prove to myself that I can be an ethical person? To prove that I can sublime over my anxieties and concerns? Still it didn’t make me feel happy. I am seriously considering never doing it again. What’s the use anyway? I don’t believe in karma. Life is too random to have karma as a part of it.

Another anxiety and concerns of the never-ending list is the fact that I’m realizing that my current friendships may be transient as well. So I’d better be equipped for an alternative especially that I am already losing partnership if I don’t have someone wall