One Bloody January!

The New Year continues to disappoint. This month has carries bad news for my sister and uncle’s health. It is really annoying and worrisome, not to mention my hospitalization which was an awful experience.

Friends threw me a surprise birthday party; actually it wasn’t only for me. It was for my close Capricorn friend as well. I didn’t enjoy it; not one single minute of it.

Last year, I tried to have a little friendly gathering in remembrance of turning 25. It was a terrible idea. Close friends didn’t show up and I was thoroughly frustrated. I decided I would never organize my own birthday party. Ever!

This year was different. I was thinking too much of becoming older. It’s like things are never the same again after you lived for 25 years on this earth. I spent not so little time pondering my quarter age crisis. But this is not the only reason it was bad. The venue was horrible and the lack of a safe, friendly space was indeed an issue. All the close friends were there. However, I was very anxious. I didn’t like the attention brought about by this occasion. I didn’t like the fact that it wasn’t my party, since it was also dedicated to my friend. I wanted to be truly celebrated I guess. I wanted it to be perfect; which it can never be!

On a different note, I listen sometimes to that twat called Safi on Nile FM. He was asking people to send in the questions they have on mind and have no answer to. In a total act of desperation and dramatique, I sent in the question “how do I make people love me?” a question that takes a good deal of my energy. I expected him to ignore it or at least make fun of it. He delivered a serious response though. And to my great surprise it did mean something. He said that I have to love myself first. I then started to question. I know that my relationship with myself has been tumultuous, but it can never be boiled down to love. I am too hard on myself most of the time. I always think of my flaws. I always seek impeccability and perfection. Then I thought this must be on the wish list. The list of the things I want to work on in 2011. (and again I sound as trite as those self-help books and horoscope shows on new year’s eve)

I still can’t get myself to write about the thing I want to do in 2011. Maybe I will get back to this later!

Dreams, Friends and Interests!

This is my first post in the New Year. The year began tragically with Alexandria’s events and for the first time I feel like Egypt is not a place I want to live in. I kicked the year with the trip to Aswan, though it felt ill-timed after the Alexandria tragedy. I woke up today after a dream of F. It was strange to have him again in dreams, but I cannot deny that he was much on mind lately. It’s been more than two years since we first met in November of 2008, and almost a year since we met in February of 2010. I can’t remember most of the dream now. I still remember how it felt. It was like us reuniting at the current moment. I felt I was more aware of his flaws and that I have the current understanding of the limitations of our acquaintance, but against all odds the passion was there and at one point I thought to myself he could be my sexual sanctuary! (being the user Capricorn that I am, I guess)

But I think I am here to write about friendship. The dictionaries define friends as people you have affection and love for. That is true maybe, but it’s a very limited view. Friendship is an important social tool. A survival tool. Friends are the ones you can trust, count on, and share your stories and drama with. Friendship is about accepting your friends and supporting them. I like friendships.

My perception of a perfect relationship was always platonic in my early teenage years. I hated sex and sexuality for a long time. This continues to have an impact on me. I am more comfortable being safe in a friendship than a romantic love relationship (as if I had any real ones). However, I don’t really recall selecting my friends. They always seemed to choose me. Maybe I do give an impression of reliability after all. I somehow selected them through filtering. I allow those who seem to be leading towards an effective friendship. One that is characterized by understanding and mutual interest. Yes, I said interests. I believe humans are motivated by their interests. One has to search for people who support him. Their existence is necessary to face the hardships of life. One has to have someone to listen to their rants. It’s in one’s interest to have someone in your life that plays that role. It might sound selfish I know, but I don’t think so, plus I don’t think it’s wrong for someone to pursue their interests.

At this point, it becomes clear that there has to be a certain exchange. You can’t just take from friendships without giving. You have to give attention. You have to give care and support. I like my friendships to be genuine. I was always bad at half friendships (i. e. managing acquaintances).

Sometimes friendships are not about exchange though. You give and support someone knowing there would really be no catch at the end; maybe because of guilt, obligation, memories shared or true affection. It can’t always about the exchange or about the personal gains.

“When would consequences be inconsequential to me?” sounds irrelevant and probably is, but couldn’t help but end with it!