I
need physical intimacy. Never thought I'd miss being hugged so much. Just saw a
silly video of a young white boy standing at an American beach carrying a sign
'kiss me I'm desperate'. Makes me think I should do the same here. Where would
one go to ask for free hugs? They don’t have to be free by the way. I can give
back affection and attention. I want nonsexual hugs. I miss holding my friend's
hand while crossing the roads in Cairo. We'd do that then we won't let go of
each other's hands. We'd cling to each other. Sometimes I felt anxious though.
I felt the burn of the stares at us. Sometimes I was like fuck it. I think I
grew bolder with time. I miss those hands. Even that anxiety.
She
said I'm experiencing the fluidity that comes with travel. I said but I'm not
feeling fluid. My gender expression is the same. My sexual preferences are the
same. I can dance on the streets here. I can switch hips when I want to. I
still feel I can't/don't escape who I was in my home country.
I
shared the photo. I wanted to feel important. I wanted people to feel I'm
important. By having an opinion, by giving an impression that I'm doing things.
The caseworker kept sharing information, sounding really smart and eloquent. I
was in her place in the past. It was me the journalists sought to speak to. Now
I'm just sitting there, keeping my opinions to myself. I'm just an interpreter
here. And soon I will be the asylum seeker who's trying to access services and
advocate for his rights. I'm flipping sides and exploring what it means to be
helped instead of the helping one.
The
erotic is life. Life means nothing if you don't feel raunchy, horny. White
people don't usually turn me on. On Cairo's streets, I'd be turned on so
easily. I got cruised by a white guy at a club's urinal the other day. My first
cruising experience here. I ended up sucking three guys dicks in a dark room. All
was well except the uncut dicks I'm not used to sucking. After I'm done I felt
something was missing. A certain vibe. A sense of challenge, maybe? You don't
feel you're breaking any taboos here. Skin color isn't the only thing that
makes it lackluster. It's the whole context. Sex feels better when it's an act
of resistance.
In
your new city, you don't have friends. You do have friend but not friends friends.
Not the people who understand you without finishing your sentences, the people
who understand your cynical jokes, the people you actually have inside jokes
with, the ones you have long history with. And you realize it's so exhausting.
To be always be on guard. To always be making such an effort. To not be able to
share what really goes on your mind because you're too careful making a good
impression.
