One major reason I'm angry is the discovery of the naiveté of my
feelings. The dire lack in my experience.
I've been told friendships end. I've been told they become something else.
Something materialistic and parasitic.
I'm also angry because fate wasn't
kind on this one. Yes things happened over some months, but they did all happen
in one year. And that's hard to bear.
Y gone to northern lands. A
cheating. M cheating too, with much deeper consequences. Sh and the realization
of impossibility of reconciling our friendship and her relationship.
I've been working out forgiveness.
Trying to let go of the anger and resentment. Trying to be less bound by
justice and more by understanding. Oh I've had some crucifying days.
What's crucifying about all this?
Why is it so hard? I guess it's easier to accept people sail ship and lay their
anchors elsewhere. It's all very congruent with the temporary alliances theory
of friendship. Not so easy to accept witnessing your friendship fall apart in
front of you. Your feelings change and your memories are re-written in light of
all recent darkness.
A sudden void is staring at you.
Endless moments of bitterness and pain. A fear you'll never trust again. You'll
never try to love again. You'll be alone as you grow old. There's no one to
rely on. I can do the relying on myself part but who would listen to my
complicated stories?
The most impending feeling I get
upon those thoughts is leaving the country. Why would I stay here anymore? A
major reason; the people, the loved ones, ceased to exist.
Failing terribly failed by others
shatters your world. but that comes in many colors and shades. Either because
you never mattered. Or because you were never understood. Or you were important
but not that important. Or that your intentions were misunderstood. Or that you
weren't cool enough as a friend, or not fit enough. Your interests didn't
matter.
But then there's also the part
where you, yourself, were full of shit. You probably weren't open and accepting
enough. I wasn't supportive enough. I
was a bit too controlling or a bit of a control freak.
And to avoid unabashed
self-criticism, I've been brave. I give myself that. I was honest, most of the
time. I did care, for complex reasons yes, but I did fucking care.
New beginnings to come. Something
to be happy about. Sounds too theoretical for me right now. All I can feel is
that heaviness lying over my heart.
All I wanted is to be understood.
I guess that was too much to ask for.
