a testimony in questions

why does the sex part have to be the most shameful part?

why does an incident that doesn't include sex better than one that does?

can i admit pleasure with a perpetrator?

is a perpetrator a perpetrator based on intention or hindsight?

is there room for empathy with thieves? is the world's way of justice against class gaps?

if thieves can be condones, why not rapists? what's the difference?

how to keep your guard on without losing pleasure altogether?

can i trust anyone again?

what mode of interaction could fill up the void if i let go if cruising?

how could the shame be on the perpetrators and not me?

how could evil be so intentional?

do i really think i can outwit perpetrators?

what does it take to have the courage to stand up for perpetrators?

what would happen to me if i stand up? death? injury? rape?

do i actually attract trouble?

why is it so hard to enjoy a few days off?

is this sex addition? or heteronorm?

who can support me if things get really bad?

is it possible, even meaningful to try to stop cruising?

what are the limits to cruising?

what safety measures that i need to take now?

can i continue to open up, give and be kind?

was i ever kind? or kind enough?

will this sense of fear go away?

what's lurking for me in the future?

in praise of survivors

It's not safe but we survive, said the Palestinian. He knows better I thought. Cheers to that.

I still can't believe how easy it was. Being so close to evil can be so puzzling. Sleeping with a rapist or a thief just dims the light of the world.

About a year later, I run into the Aswani who I took home. We choose a street café and he speaks soft sweet words. I don't know why I was choose to sit with him, for validation or anthropological observation. I always said if they ask about their phones, they're up to stealing them. I fell into the trick I've warned off for long. I was truly trustful, not the point of taking him home. But I couldn't believe he'd do it.

The bastard was in my home. The only reason he didn't perpetrate was the fact that he saw others at my previous place. I don't know what he would have done if he got me alone.

Even after he's threatened with taking me to the police, I still gave him the benefit of doubt. But also, what else could I do but give him the benefit of the doubt?

In front of his threats, what were my options? Yell and shout? This could have easily turned into public torture by the café clients. It is true, potential survivors need to be empowered but we also need to address the structural issues that prevent that from happening.

I could have been less afraid. I need power and bravery to do that. To be able to fight that fight without anybody helping me.

An interesting way of dealing with triggers is imagining myself stabbing my perpetrators. The image of blood becomes a complete relief.

Not only did I try what it feels to be orally raped, I also know what it is to have sex in a public building. Exciting mix no?

Fear becomes part of you, of who you are. But also strength does. Survival is not just a trick, it's also a way of living.